A teardrop

Was that a drop of tear I saw glistening near his eyes?

I will never know because he turned his face away, as soon as he heard the song begin

 and Lata’s unmistaken honeyed voice wifted across softly....

When he looked back at all of us across the table : 

there was such a delight which lit up his face -

Something which came from deep within Him!

We were sitting together in a restaurant talking about Hindi songs - old and very old ...

He wanted to listen to a number he hadn’t heard in sixty long years 

I just googled the words and played the song to him : in NANOSECONDS 
Dil Jalega

An ordinary moment became extraordinary for me , as I glimpsed into my Dad's soul...

Moment of unexplainable connection 

O sawaan raja kahan se aaye tum !

Image courtesy : Unsplash.com
ओ सावन राजा कहाँ से आए तुम?

Some of my favorite rain songs

the lyrics of the falling raindrops
in a drizzle or a downpour…melting the heat away…
the pleasure of a hot cup of tea and a plateful of pakoras
the thrill of the shivers, as you get wet
the spontaneity
the nostalgia of the childhood कागज़-की-नाव
the heightened emotions…which make you feel good and romantic all over!

Some of my favorite songs are woven with these images of lyrical, romantic melodious rains…which make me look beyond the mucky grounds, the overflowing gutters and the overflooded roads!

I see melody, romance and the spirit of life in these numbers: sometimes through the very picturesque images of rain captured in these songs or through the mellifluent and meaningful lyrics!

Spontaneity in some of the numbers seems to skip and hop, while many of these numbers are composed so beautifully that the rhythm resonates within, long after the song is over!

• प्यार हुआ इकरार हुआ है, प्यार से फिर क्यों डरता है दिल

According to me this is the " King of romantic songs", not to mention among the best picturised rain song ever …without an ounce of doubt! The ingredients are perfect…An awkward, not-so-rich guy trying to please his lady love…the perfect pair of Nargis and Raj Kapoor in ' Shri 420' silhouetted against dark clouds…the studio rain which is falling not so ferociously as the couple share an umbrella, and more than perfect lyrics!

I still get goose pimples when I hear the words " हम न रहेंगे, तुम न रहोगे, फिर भी रहेंगी निशानियाँ " endorsing the immortality of love as the three Kapoor kids trot down the road in their raincoats…

No one has been able to create a more perfect backdrop for a rain song or captured the innocence of love so beautifully!

• 'जिंदगी भर नहीं भूलेगी वोह बरसात की रात' The images that the words of these songs create are as potent as the heroine who is the 'अनजान हसीना' in the song: Madhubala! The lyrics of this number, the background score are so live: you can actually 'see' the scenes happening before you as the hero, Bharat Bhushan meets the captivating Madhubala on a rainy day….हाय वोह रेशमी जुल्फों से बरसता पानी…..कभी देखी न सुनी ऐसी वह जज़्बात की रात…Somehow the Mohammed Rafi version of the song sounds more intoxicating than the Lata Mangeshkar version : my opinion, you may differ!

• ओ सजाना, बरखा बहार आई, रस की फुहार लायी

What do I remember about this song :
That this is one of exceptional, extraordinary, unforgettable Lata-in-her-heydays number…
That it is picturised on Sadhana who looks gorgeous even without her famous fringes!
That the song is one of the musical gems from Salil Chowdhury!
That I can rewind this number twenty times just to listen to Lata croon, "ऐसी रिमझिम में ओ सजन , प्यासे प्यासे मेरे नयन, तेरे ही ख्वाब में खो गए.."

• रिमझिम रिमझिम, रुमझुम रुमझुम...भीगी भीगी रुत में,तुम हम, हम तुम
  

This song from ' 1942- A love story' oozes melody, enchantment, romance with every word, every verse, every visual : whether it is Manisha Koirala opening the windows to invite the rain in or Anil Kapoor prancing about with "बूंदों की यह लड़ी लायी हैं वोह घरी जिसके लिए हम तरसे" or the wonderful RD Burman music!

R.D.Burman's golden touch recreated the magic of the songs of yesteryears in this song! It definitely stands apart from one of "these songs of today" which we have come to lament and dissociate from!

• हाय रे हाय, नींद नहीं आए... This one never fails to bring a smile on my face… Our leading pairs in this song, Jeetendra and Leena Chandavarkar are not just ' 'singing in the rain' but also ' jumping in the rain'! The most graphic scene is that of the hero dragging the heroine by her leg as she struggles to hop on her fours, attempting to smile and sing at the same time, with rains pouring down intensely!

Infact, I thought the leading couple was playing badminton in this song, but that is another energetic number with the same pair! This is a great song to watch with friends: we can all collectively appreciate the humor in Jeetendra's tightfitting trousers, the heaves, the huffs, the puffs and the extraordinary calisthenics which created the most vigorous dance number here!

What I love about this song is that the fact that the couple prances about in the rain totally convinced of their style of romancing: Hey, this is the way we do it!

• आज रपट जायें... Another fun song in the rainwith our favorite Amitabh Bachchan and the looking very awkward, Smita Patil! Our hero is aggressive and hell bent on making his ladylove enjoy the rain in the plebian manner, on the streets of Mumbai, without the umbrella!

This song also has some vivid images: the aggressive Amitabh Bachchan, the hey-I-can't-do-this-commercial-cinema-bit-of-song-and-dance Smita Patil as Amitabh pushes a hand cart on which she is perched and the absolutely spirituous voices of Kishore and Asha with the 'Ah ha! Oh ho's' in place !!!…

• रिमझिम गिरे सावान... An absolute contrast to the song above: a mellow Amitabh and a breathless Moushumi as she tries to keep pace with the tall hero...running around the tourist spots of Mumbai as the song plays in the background….Lata's mellifluous voice filling the space and Kishore's baritone complimenting it perfectly!

This is among the most naturally shot songs of the rain..right from the wet benches to the slant of Moushumi's kajal ! You can almost visualize yourself and your loved one on the screen there: there is no overt romancing, no studio created showers : the simplicity of the song and the passion of the words..'सुलग सुलग जाए मन'… seep in right through to you !

• देखो जरा देखो बरखा की लड़ी … This one represents the joie de vivre in its truest sense! For me the sparkle in Kajol's eye as she matches steps with Akshay Kumar was enchanting…Ofcourse the background of the song is what makes it exceptional in my medley of songs!

Akshay Kumar plays your typical workaholic , serious yuppie type whose life revolves around work! Kajol makes him realize that there is more to life than oh so important business deals….The hero lets his hair down, gets drenched in the rain and fantasizes about Kajol who he has fallen in love with!

This one is special because I could identify with Akshay Kumar and his propah attitude to life! After a few years of corporate grind ,I too felt like loosening my tie of appropriate behavior and letting my hair down to the spontaneity of life!

• ओ सावन राजा कहाँ से आए तुम?

Madhuri, Shahrukh and the cute kids dancing to Shiamak Davar steps in the Yash Chopra movie " Dil to pagal hai" ! There is a certain elegance in this song visible in the designer chiffon outfit of Madhuri, the well-rehearsed voices of Lata and Udit Narayan the perfect set of the streets and the well fed street urchins who couldn't by any standards be called urchins …

The choreography in this song was amazing as was the energy of the dancing kids who more than matched the more experienced Madhuri and Shahrukh step to step, jig to jig ! The music of Uttam Singh was superb , to put it mildly!

Remember the 'chak jhum jhum' twist? Didn't you feel like getting up and doing that jig yourself …This is one song as popular with my sixty-year-old father as with my four-year-old daughter!

• टिप टिप टिप बारिश शुरू हो गई

The words were not exceptional, yet better than the " Rain is falling chama cham cham , ladki ne aankh mari gir gaye hum' kind of songs which were being churned out during that time ! I don't remember the name of the movie, the heroine or any other details of the song .'Dancing in the rain' with just an umbrella as a prop was a very ordinary background to a song!

Yet, what makes 'Tip tip tip…' extra-ordinary is that special effort which Aamir Khan put in this number!He was faultless! The steps matched and the music helped the ordinary lyrics stand out ! A flawless musical and visual delight ……



I have shared some of my special numbers here and in the Playlist here

Songs which celebrate rain

….What do your favorite rain songs mean to you? 

Does your list resemble mine? 

Why don't you go down the memory lane and find out ?…..

Looking without judgment

"The difference between a flower and a weed is - Judgement !" Wayne Dyer

"Such beautiful flowers....Where did you pick them up from?"

I had come to a weekend getaway with friends and what greeted us at the reception, on the side table were these bunch of pink and white beauties!

"They are all over the estate, " said the lady who had ushered us in our quaint cottage, " Didn't you see?"

"No, I guess we missed them !"

Indeed when I noticed carefully in the estate 

these pink beauties bobbed up and down in the wind in the grass, 

looking as if someone had laid out a verdant green carpet with pink flowers 

So intent was I on looking at the "BEAUTY", that I failed to notice it!

How typical...

I laughed to myself....

Missing the obvious, because I was searching for the profound...

as if one is superior over the other :) 

Put plenty of heart into it ...by giving love away

Picture Credit : unsplash.com

I have never really comprehended what an " IDEAL "  relationship is all about ?

This heartfelt note from Timber Hawkeye , Buddhist Bootcamp perhaps summarises how I want most of my relationships....specially the close ones 

“Relationships are often misunderstood to be a simple commitment between two people; 

a dedication to each other with a sense of belonging to one another. 

That kind of limited perspective breeds expectations, possessiveness and disappointment, and it reeks of ownership, greed, ignorance, and selfish desire.

A healthy relationship is an agreement between two people to support one another in their spiritual practice. It is a vow to encourage each other’s dedication, devotion and path, free from attachment or expectations (yet full of caring and compassion). 

A healthy relationship is based on unconditional love, not on the need to possess. 

Although you put plenty of “heart” into it, you lose nothing by giving love away.

If each person is equally dedicated to inspire, create, awaken, and enrich the lives of others, then there is no hidden agenda. 

It is far less important what one receives from the other than what one can give.

Intimacy would suddenly surpass warmth and tenderness to also include patience, vulnerability, honesty, active listening, understanding, connection, and unwavering trust.

There is a healing power inherent in this kind of union, and it is capable of enabling deep transformation for both people. It is an incredible opportunity[…]”

Excerpt From: Hawkeye, Timber. “Buddhist Boot Camp.”

I live my daydreams in music....

"If I were not a physicist, I would probably be a musician. 

I often think in music. I live my daydreams in music. 

I see my life in terms of music.”
~Albert Einstein~

Ever since I can remember,
music has been an integral part of my life...

The whisper of crickets in the leechi trees in Dehradun

The loud drone of fighter planes in Basra

The koooo-koooo chook-chook of train from Mumbai to Benares in the summer holidays

The incomprehensible yet loving loris of Daddaji in chaste punjabi

The gurgling sound of Ganga at Laxman Jhoola and the swish of the paddle boats

And Lata Mangeshkar- Kishore Kumar duets on Radio Ceylon

I was a dreamy child and sought music wherever I was!

Sawant dadaji in Theosophical society, Benares, astutely channelised my love for singing
and introduced me to Gayatri Mantra and Hanuman chalisa at a very early age
Getting up at 4.30 am to hear the vedic chants reverberating in each and every cell of my body,
was the highlight of my summer holidays.
I can almost hear them even today

Bandra East, Mumbai was where I was introduced to the wonder of playlists
Those TDK cassettes zealously purchased from the duty-free shops,
Our old antique-looking German tape-recorder
And my brother and I painstakingly writing the name of the each song neatly
with our black Schaefer ink pen...

Chitrahaar, Movies and Antakshari made me the original acapella  specialist, even before the background sounds were in vogue!

Though I did not know it then,
learning Hindustani Classical at that age, was a gift given by my parents to me at that tender age!
I ofcourse, resisted the alaaps and the bhaavgeets that time, as I could hear my friends enjoying their evening play when I was practicing the aaroh- avroh ...
and struggling with passing Music exams
while my spirit was dying to participate in the unstructured play in the colony playground!

My love for gaana continued in my dating days with Uday
where his Meri bheegi bheegi  matched my Beeti na beetaayi raina 
and our romance blossomed over our eclectic choice of music:
his old Kishore Kumar numbers to my Disco Station...how we laughed at the differences...and yet the deeper almost divine bonding

and Soumya was born in a very musically alive home!

Cooing rehashed and remixed versions of nursery rhymes to put her to sleep
Converting the cups of water to jaltarang
It was hardly a surprise that my toddler was soon swaying to songs,
making playlists and swooning over Jonas brothers and Miley Cyrus!

The first playlist she made for me was the sweetest gift anyone had ever, ( and since ) given me,
each number meticulously woven in the necklace of a pretty playlist which Mom could wear and listen to anywhere, anytime....specially when she missed her moppet!

Her tradition of this gifting of love and connection still continues for me in my life ....

I make playlists whenever I want to gift a part of me to someone
and my love affair with Music continues unabashedly, unabated !

Every song with a rhythm , a heartbeat and woven with the richness of life or the ordinariness of it :)

Happy
Sad
Slow
Classical
Old
New
Rock
Jazzy
Dhinchak
English
Hindi
Regional
Global
through the ups and downs of life
bringing me closer to emotions and feelings : the aliveness of life...the joie de vivre of existence

When I look back at almost five decades of my musical moments, 
they encompass it all - 

the voice, the breath, the melody 

and the silence between the notes

the said 

and the unsaid 

I am blessed to have lived and hope to continue living in this cauldron of notes...till eternity !

Check my playlists in this youtube channel

My Playlists

Lesson in Abundance...

Suman Tai has been working with me for the past 25 years plus.

Thin, frail, Maharastrian woman,
she belongs
to a tribe
I admiringly call...

A Professional!

She migrated from a small village near Pune.....Me shetkari aahey
"I am a farmer , first !"

She speaks local Marathi dialect,
which over the years I have begun to grasp;
But our connection is more from heart
and much much more than that of a boss and a sub-ordinate!!

From my end, specially, the emotion is much more of a respect...
She may not be the cleanest or the most efficient worker...
but her heart and loyalties are in the right place

What also stuns me, sometime, is her generosity

I have been taught from my childhood that I must share,
that Sharing is Caring....and I would call myself averagely , ahem, generous ....!

But I do find myself calculating what, how much, and with whom I share! :)

Whether its my favourite chocolate oolong tea which is rationed and brewed only when I am alone 
or 
my favourite mangoes which are slyly kept in that corner of the refrigerator where no one will rummage and notice...
I do run a quick check list of Should I? Must I ?
before I open my closed fist...

With Suman Tai its not like that.
She always finds an occasion to give, unconditionally and finds opportunities to do so :

Her bounty primarily being raw mangoes or jamun which fall off the trees in the colony we stay in and which she gathers....or some lemons handed over free by a vegetable vendor

With twinkling eyes and unbridled and unquestioning generosity,  she removes them from her pallu, and hands over to me with simplicity and kindness!

She is truly abundant !

"Abundance is not the money you have in your bank account, the trophies on your shelf, the letters after your name, the list of goals reached, the number of people you know, your perfect body, your adoring fans... It is the delight with which you savour each unique moment, the joy with which you greet each new day.....

It is knowing yourself as presence, the power that creates and moves worlds. It is your open heart... 

It is simplicity. It is kindness..... "

~Jeff Foster~ 

Kuch Dil ne kaha...connect to my heart

Heart, that wondrous part of me which connects me to my soul and to life...

Thumping, pacing, nudging me to hear its beat, 

and to embrace everything, wholeheartedly and with equanimity : 

Joyous moments or painful heartbreaks…

feeling more.... 

loving more…

hurting more…

living more…

Hindi film music has captured different nuances and moods of this DIL so beautifully.....

Click on this link to listen to some such wonderful heartfelt numbers 

Youtube Playlist : Kuch Dil ne Kaha

Please do retain your desipana

#Modernisation

#Globalisation

#MeraBharatMahaan 

Vagairah vagairah ....

Increasingly find myself to be a Fuddy-duddy desi.... 

atleast in my heart !

Hate the templatisation of cities and towns and mohallas... 

Walking down 100 Feet Road on Indiranagar, Bengaluru today 

feels the same as a stroll down Rajpur Road, Dehradun or Linking Road, Khar....

Levis and the Adidases and McDs and Pizza Huts of the world jostling to be SEEN 

alongside the local brands offering the same to same goods for sale! 

At such times, the Local HERO Brand of every city/town/ townlet shines out for the desi girl, that I long to be...

With the local flavor, mood and desipana which no franchised outlets can replicate !!!

Here's to
The MTR Kaapi in Bengaluru
the Kulfi Falooda at Kumar Sweets, Ghantaghar, Dehradun
and the vadapav at Mithibai college

#PleaseDoRetainYourDesipana

Poignancy and love

As the sun melts into the sea and allows the evening and the night to unfold,
it also brings forth moments
of unspoken
or unrequited love

and

the memories of the beloved.

I wonder what it would be like to celebrate
and not lament
this bitter sweet emotion of poignancy and love
but mostly find it difficult to do so!

Music has helped me dive into memories of love with a spirit

to toast those times of connection and not sink into despondency and pity

Check this playlist which attempts to celebrate this love...

Youtube playlist : Aaye tum Yaad mujhe 

"Wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure."

There
they were...
Ripe, juicy,
Sweet...
and a pure delight on the taste buds....

Mangoes from our own compound!

Every summer for years
 we would complain about the deteriorating quality of mangoes in the market..
the artificial ripening,
and the insipid taste

Till we discovered mangoes of our own backyard.....

Very ordinary looking, local variety of mango which had co-existed
along with other trees  in the bungalow plot for as long as I can remember....

Forgotten, even in the season....almost like an orphan!

a nuisance because it had gotten difficult
to find someone to pluck the mangoes in season
and
the mess created by birds who would drop half eaten fruits on the ground

The workers who had come to mend the garage, wanted to pluck some mangoes for their kids.
I was more than happy to see them GO!

They left some bounty for us,

and a what a treasure that was.....!

Ripe, juicy,
sweet
and a pure delight on the taste buds....!

Mangoes from our own compound!

It just struck me :

Life has been the same for me....
I have kept searching outside, out there, for the treasures it has to offer , greedily

Hunting, scrambling, begging with an unwarranted neediness

Relationships
Friendships
Connections
Work
Money
Purpose

Searching for larger and loftier goals and milestones in each of these areas

All have been present in my own backyard...

whilst I have been playing the unaware, restless wanderer!

Truly :
"Wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure." ~Paulo Coelho ~

Cracking up

"You should write. .. 
I feel writing is your instrument for opening up and challenging your ideas... 
opening up...
expressing yourself....
you should do more..." 

After so many years, something cracked up as I read this message from a friend

Its true, writing did crack me up and  connect my fingers to the deepest parts of me, long long time ago !

I did not know this.
Mrs Kabra , my English teacher discovered my spark and wantonness in my essays,
way, way back in Class Eleven.

I was a total misfit in the class then ...
one of the two girls in a class of forty-four overly competitive
and highly driven n intelligent science students, nose on the IIT grindstone.
I did not want to go there ....

Ruskin Bond and his mellifluous words,
Shakespeare and his brilliant mastery with soliloquies mesmerized me....more than the intellecutal strip tease of inert chemistry n physics formulae,which left me cold and untouched.

Words on the other hand, transported me from the driven achievement world to the gentler uncharted spaces of emotions, human connections and wild spaces of love and passion.

Yes, this was also the time when I experienced a crush...
perhaps for the first time...
That soft , unknown gooey emotion which defied all descriptions I had  read and felt before.

Since I did not have courage to approach him, or broach the topic with anyone, my diary became my confidante...my pen, the instrument which allowed the emotions to flow unfettered, creating a life  where I was being wooed and complimented...looked up genuinely for who I was, not what my marks declared me to be.

Did He reciprocate my love too?
Before He could discover the awesomeness that was me ,
my mother chanced upon my diaries....one fine or not so fine , winter morning ..

My writing life was never the same again....!

The perhaps well-meaning move of a parent who was concerned about an obsessed sixteen year old who wrote incessantly, burnt out the passion for words more than any verbal abuse would have.

As I shred each page of those diaries with an impassive and cold precision, all feelings of romance seemed to evaporate into the world of practical living...here emotions were boxed into right / wrong , practical/ not practical spaces... conforming, plastic and very correct... aimed to please and be validated, not allowing the inner voice to be heard out

I have always wondered when would I return back to befriending the words who since then are more masked by cynicism and  bitterness....more often than being enveloped in love and warmth !!!
Totally unlike who I  think I want to be

In the last few years, have begun to take  baby steps to unchain the rusted spirit which longs to soar in unbridled expressions and  dive deeper into the throes of  feelings which may be scary , used as they are to being tentative, but are still my unique expressions.

Cracking up is a painful process, sometimes , 
but allows the seeds to breathe and soar up to the blue skies and grow !

Did you take my charger?

I had woken up late....
rushed out for an early morning work-out
and then client meeting in the far off Mumbai suburb!

It could be my pms
or my need of affection,
or that I was missing him
or countless other reasons...

but I wanted to just hear from him -

FIRST !

FOR A CHANGE....

and he did message me as soon as he woke up.....

DID YOU TAKE MY CHARGER?

I sheepishly rummaged my backpack.

I HAD taken his charger with me....

and he would be mad at me, just now
Madder than I have been in the past

when he took my charger with him, by mistake....

Making him squirm and feel guilty, all together !

I did not tell him that!

Nor did I say :
that I missed him, 
that I wished I was cuddled up right now with him, 
instead of bumping along the dusty suburbs of Thane

that I loved him...

I just said : Sorry !

Hoping he would understand

WOULD HE ?
Really ? 

Do not leave your room

Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash


"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait. Do not even wait, be quite still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet"

—Franz Kafka

Be with me..beyond social politeness

"Dad's cancer has progressed and I am just heartbroken."

Despite thousands of miles between us, I could feel the raw pain and helplessness of my friend.

I was at a loss....

How could I best empathise in such time?

" Take Care...."
"Everything will be alright"
"It happens...be strong !"

All socially correct platitudes...
Barely concealing MY discomfort to be with the impending death....
and connect to the sorrow of the family!

I had done that earlier on similar occasions...
used trite but well-meaning words, to hide what I truly wanted to communicate or felt!

It just didn't feel right NOW...
the rehearsed response to possibly among the most heartbreaking moment of her life! 

This time I decided to meet the awkwardness head on...
Gauche and nervous about what to say, Yes....
but I would not conceal
the helplessness
I experienced in not being able to do anything to comfort or support her !

To allow the love and connection I felt for her and her family to surface through...
and my silent compassion...no filling the air with cliches or panic-talk

J needed space and understanding
not my social politeness!

Lights! Camera! Drama ! Peace !

Most of the people I meet 

want to be happy and peaceful...

"PEACEFUL" like the crosslegged-meditating Buddha

with a
beatific 

serene 

nonplussed smile,
watching the world pass by !

For me, this version of peace is fine
but it can also be

very unidimensional 

Breathing in 

Breathing out

Mindfully 

or so it seems....

Peace almost seems to be an autopilot, in this version

As if in a controlled laboratory 

Non explosive 

and Too perfect to be true!

My version of Peace is more in the market place

It is the momentary Breath I take on the diving board before I plunge into the depths of emotional chaos !

The centeredness amidst the intense unpredictable "Life can be such a b***h' moments.....

Peace for me, is connecting to reality not perfection...sometimes you can be angry as hell and peaceful, both together!

It is being equanimous amidst ups and downs.....

in the lows...not making life appear "More Challenging" than it is  

and in the highs, allowing the adrenaline moments float by nonchalantly ! 

Peace is that one breath I connect to amidst the s**ttiest of heartbreaks 

and that palm I squeeze with compassion, during my biggest of fights !

Peace is that one sip of hot chai in the middle of the 

cluttered 

disorganised room...

Peace has all the drama, yet a clarity !

NOTICE ME!

Sometimes I observe how I am so full of myself


NOTICE ME

I scream silently as I walk in any space....

My specialness

Wanting limelight,
Wanting to be noticed,
Showcasing myself and what I see are my sparkling shining talents!

I wonder who would I be, and how would I behave in the shadows, unnoticed....?

Would I be myself ?

Would I love and give as freely ?

Would the fire in me still burn?

Would I still want to give life MY BEST, 
If there were no accolades at the end of it ??


“We also have an incredible and unlimited capacity to love, but the question is: Can we do it like a flower? Without needing to be admired, adored, or even noticed? Can we open our hearts completely to give, forgive, celebrate, and joyfully live our lives ”

Excerpt From: Hawkeye, Timber. “Buddhist Boot Camp.” 

Akele hain to kya gum hai

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.

meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

— Jellaludin Rumi,

translation by Coleman Barks

Loneliness and I had kept a distance from each other....

Till she decided to visit me four years back!

I have been your quintessential extrovert, till then :

Surrounding myself with
hazaar action
peppy social do's
constant social media noise
mindless shopping
general chatter and cacophony of life....all in good doses!

When Loneliness decided to make friends with me,
it threw me off guard .....to say the least.

I was stand-offish and judgemental, in the beginning :

" I AM NOT 'THAT' SORT OF PERSON!"

The more I resisted the cloud,
more it cloaked me in feelings of isolation, despondency and unworthiness....

Finally I relented and stopped fighting her

"Come, have some chai with me !"

Some early mornings and late evenings,
I  began inviting my Loneliness to sit across on the chatai...
minus the distraction of my smartphone or netflix...
nudging her to open up her heart to me.

Initially she was reticent and she camouflaged herself in the cloak of sadness....
but slowly she relented and began opening up - and HOW !

Her devotedness to make me learn and grow as a human being, surprised me.

I discovered parts of me which I had not seen before-

Beneath the veneer of fear of being alone
was a very strong courageous human
who was committed to give herself and contributing to the life fully....

The seemingly flippant and frivolous chatter-box
hid a heart longing to connect deeper with people and with life...

the restless actions had hidden that part of me, which actually revelled in stillness.

Loneliness may have been an uninvited guest , but she has become a wonderful dost  and guide !

Rambunctious & reflective inconsistencies

"If one wants really to live life in all its richness, one has to learn how to be inconsistent, how to be consistently inconsistent, how to be able to move from one extreme to another — sometimes rooted deep in the earth and sometimes flying high in heaven, sometimes making love and sometimes meditating.

And then, slowly slowly, your heaven and your earth will come closer and closer, 
and you will become the horizon where they meet." Osho

down in the dumps of loneliness or
high on the ebullience of connections

focussed on the goals for the quarter or
scattered and chaotically ambling along

quietly reflective in solitude or
rambunctiously dancing on Bollywood numbers....

time to make peace with inconsistencies as a norm,
rather than an exception.....
in life

Afterall, there is no consistent destination to go towards, but this moment!

Happily ever after....

Amidst the thick of the legal case for repossession of my house in Pune  which had been illegally occupied,

I kept wishing for the clouds of legal mess to disappear...

That Monsieur Alladin would 

rub his chirag three times and 

Abracadabra choo...

I would be back home in Mumbai ! 



Lounging in my fav jammies,

Sitting in my favourite corner of the house,

Sipping my adrak-elaichi-saunf chai.....

Listening to the koyal cooing 

Humming my favorite song....

And the world would be purrfect!


All legalities thrashed out and neatly tied up in A3 legal paper.



Order! Order ! 

And I declare the case closed in favour of Mrs Shally Khedkar !



Unfortunately life doesn’t dish out 

The 

Happily Ever After, thus!



There were those numerous wee hours in the morning resistant times to travel from Mumbai to Pune , through the years...



Emotional churning as I dreaded the courts with their indifferent clerks and noisy whirring fans , the police chowkis with their dirty toilets and  handcuffed criminals.



The endless wait for justice for over seven long years 

A simple close and shut case-

Which dragged 

Tareekh pay tareekh, through all the change of judges and seasons



Happily Ever After 

is a misnomer...

deceptive...

Two dimensional !

Fairy tale like phrase...

Closer to castles in air, 

And clouds on which it floats- 

And knights in shining armor who are fictional!

My interaction made me connect instead, to ground realities! 

To friends and family who were with me through thick and thin....ugly and grim!

Some exceptional ones who were sensitive to my emotional turmoil, and did not pay lip-service, philosophise or advise  but humbled me with their commitment, empathy and/or steady presence in the paan-stained walls of the court/ or the rat-infested police station 

Amidst the grime and sweat filled court rooms with stacks of pending files and hard-core criminal filled police stations, I saw some extraordinarily devoted lawyers, officials who stood tall for serving integrity, speedy justice, and hope....no matter what! 


Above all 
I saw myself growing  in courage and strength, way beyond I had imagined myself...EVER
From a teary- eyed housewife who trembled with fear at the first interrogation in court, I saw the emergence of steely determination in my spine, ready to look anyone in the eye.... even life!


My hair greyed,

but I truly grew wiser



I still believe in fairy tales and its happily ever after, 

But they come with 

a kahani-main-twist clause: 

of support, love and growth intertwined 

with struggle , despondency and fear...

Its all a part of the game!


And this sounds like reality, I support and endorse!

The nest is empty......but does my life have to be so ?

Soumya's going away  to the University was tough....
rather I made Soumya's leaving for the University tough for myself!

Initially I would spend time in her room
to feel her presence and to fill the void,
reminiscing over the times we spent together...
brooding over the emptiness I felt in her absence.

I tried
retail therapy
mindless chatter on whatsapp

just something
to fill the hours which
seemed
to stretch on and on

Over the weeks, months and years 
I realised how much I had used my daughter as a surrogate, 
to define and live my short term goals and long term dreams!

No one asked me to do so,
it just felt easy :

in the Comfort Zone ...
playing the Mommy !

being worried about the grades, courses to take in the university, emotional highs and lows in school and the junk food intake of a growing teenager....

rather than looking at deeper, maybe more real questions of life, for myself :

How do I add more meaning to my life and to those of others around me?

What work/role brings joy to me 
and more importantly , what am I doing to pursue it?

Slowly it has begun dawning on me that
loneliness and restlessness inside of me are
nothing
but

a Reality Check to connect to

Who I really am :

Beyond
a friend
a daughter
a team player
a lover
a wife
and a mother.....

Some use travel, others mindless chatter, food, templatized fun life....
to deflect from visiting this space of inquiry of truly who they are , sans all the roles and titles

I have used my motherhood!

The nest may be empty today...
but life is still full of all the meaning that I can choose to create in it now!

Every cup of tea has a story to tell

a tentative girl of eight, measuring one teaspoon of tea leaves, a quarter teaspoon of sugar and half a cup of milk for the chai...then gingerly carrying the same on a steel tray and two white cups to her parents on their wedding anniversary!



a tired hostelite sipping her nth cup of black tea in the wee hours of the morning, sleep long forgotten-adrenaline and fear her only companion, apart from the warmth from the chipped ceramic mug



an enthusiastic twenty something intern learning the ropes of corporate life, on the road side tapri outside the office...A glass of cutting chai in hand...All differences forgotten whilst bonding over sweet, over-boiled oh-so-familiar-glass of masala chai and office gossip, along with her colleagues!



a newly wed wife missing her husband in his nth tour away from the city...weaving dreams of future with her boyfriend-turned-spouse, as she sat with her cup of elaichi, adrak and saunf chai and Mariegold biscuit, body wrapped in a tight shawl that Bangalore winter...pining away for together times...



a harried multitasking mom sipping her semi-cold cup of tea, as she juggled to get her daughter ready for school...savoring the familiar warmth of the morning tea, slowing going down the throat, as she revised the notes with her teenager before the Annual exams.



a beaming with pride mother sitting with hot cuppa Earl Grey with scones and clotted cream , in an unfamiliar town , far far away from her home, near her daughter's dormitory...soaking in the sight of neat, yet small tea-house...and that of her daughter all grown up, mature...talking to her like an equal



a friend connecting with another school friend, after thirty odd years...over a pot of slowly brewed chamomile...much like the love and connection over all the years of friendship - calming and soothing....and very distinct!



a pensive and quiet forty-five something, thinking about different flavors of life gone by ..into the wee hours of night...strongly brewed like tulsi-cinnamon flavored tea, relaxing like lavender chamomile, invigorating like ginseng oolong or just downright bitter like moringa tea...


Every cup of tea has a story to tell...



I am fortunate I have begun to enjoy and listen to mine ,
without rushing towards the future!







"Drink your tea slowly and reverently,

as if it is the axis on which the world earth revolves -

slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future.

Live the actual moment. Only this moment is life."


- Thich Nhat Hanh

Noticing what surprises and disturbs me.....

"Noticing what surprises and disturbs me has been a very useful way to see invisible beliefs. If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. If what you say disturbs me, I must believe something contrary to you. My shock at your position exposes my own position. 

When I hear myself saying, “How could anyone believe something like that?” a light comes on for me to see my own beliefs. 

These moments are great gifts. 

If I can see my beliefs and assumptions, I can decide whether I still value them.

I hope you’ll begin a conversation, listening for what’s new. 
Listen as best you can for what’s different, for what surprises you. 

See if this practice helps you learn something new..." 

~Margaret Wheatley~

Regular, boring, mundane chores.....

"An act in totality is reward in itself.

When your act is total, there is no reward except itself.


Whether you are drinking tea or painting a great painting

or playing music...

if the act is total, it is your reward."

Osho


I have been noticing how I start something with great gusto...
but the interest wanes as soon as something
more "profound"
more "glamorous "
or that which will get me more "taalis" comes up...

Regular, boring, mundane chores...

at home or work are usually ignored
and/or dealt with half-heartedness
and many a times

even dropped off like an orphan :)

There is obviously a hierarchy in my mind of what is important and not important !

Creating workshop collaterals for clients becomes more important
than cleaning the wardrobe.
Making that all important presentation for Social Media obviously gets priority
vis-a vis the daily meditation practice,
Bills are almost always paid last minute...
with the slowest of internet speed, buffering my irritation...
as I forgot where the minutes flew by in the all engrossing chat in the WhatsApp group !


In my mind some tasks will help me shine ,
others are the not-so-important irritants which need to be dealt with

Yet,
I do wonder...

If you can't take on the simple tasks in totality as you can, how can you conquer the big things? 

Reject or Accept : Rumbling Bumbling Cutie pie!

In another plane, another reality

I would be a slim, elegant lady
Waxing eloquent on philosophies of life...

Draped in a crisp off-white, silk sari
Not a hair out of place..
Just filling the room with her grace!

Rather than a Rumbling Bumbling Cutie pie....

My tears would be quietly and surreptitiously dabbed
with a tissue paper, from my waterproof-kohl lined eyes.
No dark, ungainly smudges there...

and no wiping the running nose with hands, for sure!

My slightly curved smile would make it to the cover of Vogue.
My husky measured voice would cause many a-hearts-a flutter,
And not go berserk in the loud hysterical sobs
or guffaws which shake the furniture!

My arguments would be clever and well articulated,
And not tumble out of my mouth
In sometimes shrill,
     sometimes garbled mess, with a life of their own!

My demeanour would be poised,
my emotions draped well on my body,
     well modulated, cohesive and controlled!
Not messy, chaotic and argumentative
     like a lady haggling in Versova fish market!

Yet the person staring at me in the mirror is :

Thodi plump
Thodi defiant
Sometimes messy...or bitchy,
with a dollop of mean streak ...

With a fiercely possessive heart....

AND.....

a

Rumbling Bumbling Cutie pie!

“I knew there was something peculiar about you," she said.
"And I mean that as the highest compliment."
I'd always known I was strange.
I never dreamed I was peculiar.
~Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children
Ransom Riggs~