Be with me..beyond social politeness

"Dad's cancer has progressed and I am just heartbroken."

Despite thousands of miles between us, I could feel the raw pain and helplessness of my friend.

I was at a loss....

How could I best empathise in such time?

" Take Care...."
"Everything will be alright"
"It happens...be strong !"

All socially correct platitudes...
Barely concealing MY discomfort to be with the impending death....
and connect to the sorrow of the family!

I had done that earlier on similar occasions...
used trite but well-meaning words, to hide what I truly wanted to communicate or felt!

It just didn't feel right NOW...
the rehearsed response to possibly among the most heartbreaking moment of her life! 

This time I decided to meet the awkwardness head on...
Gauche and nervous about what to say, Yes....
but I would not conceal
the helplessness
I experienced in not being able to do anything to comfort or support her !

To allow the love and connection I felt for her and her family to surface through...
and my silent compassion...no filling the air with cliches or panic-talk

J needed space and understanding
not my social politeness!

Lights! Camera! Drama ! Peace !

Most of the people I meet 

want to be happy and peaceful...

"PEACEFUL" like the crosslegged-meditating Buddha

with a
beatific 

serene 

nonplussed smile,
watching the world pass by !

For me, this version of peace is fine
but it can also be

very unidimensional 

Breathing in 

Breathing out

Mindfully 

or so it seems....

Peace almost seems to be an autopilot, in this version

As if in a controlled laboratory 

Non explosive 

and Too perfect to be true!

My version of Peace is more in the market place

It is the momentary Breath I take on the diving board before I plunge into the depths of emotional chaos !

The centeredness amidst the intense unpredictable "Life can be such a b***h' moments.....

Peace for me, is connecting to reality not perfection...sometimes you can be angry as hell and peaceful, both together!

It is being equanimous amidst ups and downs.....

in the lows...not making life appear "More Challenging" than it is  

and in the highs, allowing the adrenaline moments float by nonchalantly ! 

Peace is that one breath I connect to amidst the s**ttiest of heartbreaks 

and that palm I squeeze with compassion, during my biggest of fights !

Peace is that one sip of hot chai in the middle of the 

cluttered 

disorganised room...

Peace has all the drama, yet a clarity !

NOTICE ME!

Sometimes I observe how I am so full of myself


NOTICE ME

I scream silently as I walk in any space....

My specialness

Wanting limelight,
Wanting to be noticed,
Showcasing myself and what I see are my sparkling shining talents!

I wonder who would I be, and how would I behave in the shadows, unnoticed....?

Would I be myself ?

Would I love and give as freely ?

Would the fire in me still burn?

Would I still want to give life MY BEST, 
If there were no accolades at the end of it ??


“We also have an incredible and unlimited capacity to love, but the question is: Can we do it like a flower? Without needing to be admired, adored, or even noticed? Can we open our hearts completely to give, forgive, celebrate, and joyfully live our lives ”

Excerpt From: Hawkeye, Timber. “Buddhist Boot Camp.” 

Akele hain to kya gum hai

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.

meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

— Jellaludin Rumi,

translation by Coleman Barks

Loneliness and I had kept a distance from each other....

Till she decided to visit me four years back!

I have been your quintessential extrovert, till then :

Surrounding myself with
hazaar action
peppy social do's
constant social media noise
mindless shopping
general chatter and cacophony of life....all in good doses!

When Loneliness decided to make friends with me,
it threw me off guard .....to say the least.

I was stand-offish and judgemental, in the beginning :

" I AM NOT 'THAT' SORT OF PERSON!"

The more I resisted the cloud,
more it cloaked me in feelings of isolation, despondency and unworthiness....

Finally I relented and stopped fighting her

"Come, have some chai with me !"

Some early mornings and late evenings,
I  began inviting my Loneliness to sit across on the chatai...
minus the distraction of my smartphone or netflix...
nudging her to open up her heart to me.

Initially she was reticent and she camouflaged herself in the cloak of sadness....
but slowly she relented and began opening up - and HOW !

Her devotedness to make me learn and grow as a human being, surprised me.

I discovered parts of me which I had not seen before-

Beneath the veneer of fear of being alone
was a very strong courageous human
who was committed to give herself and contributing to the life fully....

The seemingly flippant and frivolous chatter-box
hid a heart longing to connect deeper with people and with life...

the restless actions had hidden that part of me, which actually revelled in stillness.

Loneliness may have been an uninvited guest , but she has become a wonderful dost  and guide !

Rambunctious & reflective inconsistencies

"If one wants really to live life in all its richness, one has to learn how to be inconsistent, how to be consistently inconsistent, how to be able to move from one extreme to another — sometimes rooted deep in the earth and sometimes flying high in heaven, sometimes making love and sometimes meditating.

And then, slowly slowly, your heaven and your earth will come closer and closer, 
and you will become the horizon where they meet." Osho

down in the dumps of loneliness or
high on the ebullience of connections

focussed on the goals for the quarter or
scattered and chaotically ambling along

quietly reflective in solitude or
rambunctiously dancing on Bollywood numbers....

time to make peace with inconsistencies as a norm,
rather than an exception.....
in life

Afterall, there is no consistent destination to go towards, but this moment!