In gratitude....

Thank you 2017

for the happy, 
the sad, 
the mad , 
the bad ......

and the ALIVE 😘😘

Home is the place where you stand...

'Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam,

Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home;

A charm from the sky seems to hallow us there,

Which, seek through the world, is ne'er met with elsewhere.

Home! Home! sweet, sweet Home!

There's no place like Home! there's no place like Home!

~ John Howard Payne~

I  have been a nomad for atleast half my life.

My father was in a transferable job and we kept moving from one place to the other ...- Delhi, Dehradun, Mumbai, Basra.

Every city had a charm of its own, 

yet

Every move brought out its challenges and adventures... 

It made me approach strangers and new situations unhesitatingly, make friends at the drop of a hat and adjust to new environment through different schools and social circles, grudgingly, but with a naive acceptance!

Then my parents settled down in North India, 
the place which felt closest to home for them, 
and that became home for me it too....
till I got married!
My nomadic journey and the search for " my HOME" restarted !

From the one room terrace flat as newly weds in Seshadripuram, Bengaluru....

to a 1BHK ( a one bedroom hall kitchen) in Bandra, Mumbai to the bigger residential ancestral home of my husband, where we stay at present....
Every home has been an active witness to my life's journey....

"What is home for me, today ?"

A haven of my own....safe from the eyes of the world? 
A place where I can unwind, be myself ?
Nurture family and create community of friends who fight and love and grow together ...
Dream dreams : big and small...
Clutch a pillow and cry my heart out at night when things don't work out!!


It's so difficult to pin down what EXACTLY home means to me...

It's all of the above, perhaps...An extension of me and more!

Pico Iyer's words come closest to what I feel about home : 

Home is a place where you become yourself, a place where you stand!


"Where you come from now is much less important than where you're going. 
More and more of us are rooted in the future or the present tense as much as in the past. 
And home, we know, is not just the place where you happen to be born. 
It's the place where you become yourself. 

And home, in the end, is of course not just the place where you sleep. 

It's the place where you stand!"

~ Pico Iyer~

Do I need to keep the pain alive to keep the truth alive?

In recent times have seen a lot of relationships crashing :

Close friendships of childhood,
Marriages...
Work partnerships of 20+ years.....
crumbling just like that!!!

Personally too ....
a breakup in a relationship which mattered, has been excruciatingly painful!

The sorrow that lingers on ....has not been linear.

The shock of the misunderstanding
and the break-up was immediate...
almost surreal...

Traces of sadness have dragged along
gradually, deeply, insidiously...like a lost child 

They surface at  most inopportune of times -

During formal meetings when I am supposed to be my professional best

When I am waiting at the checkout queue, ready to pay my bill 

and there is one drop of tear and the other...

and the lady at the counter is left wondering

what catastrophe has befallen on me!

Even if I have avoided the pain by numbing it during daytime, the demon crawls up the wall of the heart and begins gnawing n clawing for attention....whilst I lay alone in bed at night!

More often than not, I give in... allowing the pain to envelop me with the sheet of despondency.

Where did  I go wrong? 
How could I .....?

If allowed a second chance, would I do it differently? 

Being in grief has taught me the importance of connecting to deeper feelings and vulnerability.

Earlier I would be impervious to feeling such emotions or would shrug them with a
" One needs to be practical and move on in life!" kind of a platitude...

Today I notice the hurt and sorrow and welcome her with open arms :
allowing her to collapse in gently in my acceptance and embrace, whenever she wants to !

I have also become clearer of priorities and what I value and need in my life.

Do I come from neediness or do I provide space in my relationships ? 
Do I value honest communication and respect in my relationships? 
Both in giving and receiving? 
How do I hold  and value : polarities, divergence  and rejection - with dogmatic zeal of protecting what's dear to me or with an openness of heart?

Perhaps the best gift of fall-out of my grief is my changed relationship with Silence!

I have begun to befriend Silence rather than shun her for the difficult questions she asks me.

I like the insights which she throws up unflinchingly, and in a very unbiased way -
something I was either unable or unwilling to listen, caught as I was in the throes of emotional highs of a relationship!

Things have begun to feel lighter as many knots are being untied by my connection with self.

"Sometimes suffering the losses and the unexpected betrayals and break-ups that befall each of us becomes the places where we grow deepest in our capacity to lead an authentic and free life. 
Here is where the heart grows in dignity and care. 

By grieving honorably and tenderly and working our way through our difficulties, our ability to love and feel compassion for ourselves and others deepens, along with the trust that will help us through similar problems in the future." 
~ Jack Kornfield ~

After all ,

"The pain is necessary to know the truth but I do not need to keep the pain alive to keep the truth alive " ~Mark Nepo~

I DON'T WANT TO DO IT!

http://unsplash.com

Many of my conversations/actions happen in my head...

technicolor, vivid and in all ernest! 

The list is endless :

recipes which need to be organised
books which need to be sorted
documents which need to be purged
cupboard which needs to be cleared
projects which need to be completed
hurts which need to be expressed...

and truth be told, I don't really want to do them :)

Why add to the clutter and just admit the obvious: 

I DON"T WANT TO DO IT !

Simplifies life!!

"I see two smart reactions to this:
Stop lying to yourself, and admit your real priorities.
Start doing what you say you want, and see if it’s really true."

~ Derek Sivers~

https://sivers.org/arv

Just not me

https ://unsplash.com

Its so seductive to live in the "glorious past" 

and the "glorious titles or roles' which defined me in the good ol' days ..
Some titles make me appear taller than I am...

Ahem! and more important...
and some.....well, they are just NOT ME , in my current avatar...

but are present, like an addendum...an afterthought!

Some of my Ad nauseaum titles which are pulled out as trump card but longer resonate with me, today are :

Academic Achiever & School Captain ( 35 + years back :)

Entrepreneur ( All of 17 years ago)

Rubble rouser & Dabbler at work ( All of my professional life LOL )

Hoarder ( practically all of my life )

Today as I embark upon a journey of simplicity and meaning, time to expire and knock off titles which have outlived their use.

Check out this wonderful article, which delves deeper into this 

https://sivers.org/expire

'Ring out the Old....so that you can Ring in the New' !

The art of stillness

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'In an age of speed, I began to think, nothing could be more invigorating than going slow. In an age of distraction, nothing can feel more luxurious than paying attention. And in an age of constant movement, nothing is more urgent than sitting still.'
~Pico Iyer~

Its been a while, that the need to slow down has been knocking hard....
Permeating every moment when I am harried and rushing through the day

Pulling me back when I want to multitask mindlessly

Egging me on 

To        
Slow down 
and chill....
And become more attentive!

What's there to rush like this???

My body decided to join in this coaxing and cajoling : 
Fell off the stairs whilst I was climbing , a few days back...The foot hurt badly and ego was badly bruised 😉 !

What seemed like a small cut was actually a deeper wound requiring immediate attention and stitching up.

Doctor was categorical in his verdict - Complete bed rest for a fortnight and a strong dose of painkillers! Your world will not stop! 

No, it won't....

'Ahem, Really?'

I have been playing the 'grounded kabootar' ever since...

Trying hard Not to move or to DO anything which adds pressure to the hurt foot.

Playing a 'patient' patient

Allowing everyone time to attend to me after I holler for the nth time!

Its not helping that I had decided just last month to do a facebook/whatsapp detox and wean myself from inane conversations and peripheral connections on social media....

Becoming aware how difficult it has become to quieten down and listen to my inner voice- Practicing the art of stillness! 

OhYes........

' in an age of constant movement, nothing is more urgent than sitting still!'

One of those days...

Yesterday was one of those days:

A faceoff with my judgments and shadows...

Woke up feeling dreary 
Despite the bright cheerful sun
And the awesomely blue sky outside

You know, that happens

kabhi kabhi ???

Ruined a perfect omelette...
with extra oil and salt
And anger....ainveyi...

Snapped for no reason
At every creature who had the audacity to cross my path!
Upset that everyone looked so bright and chirpy....
And no....

I could not blame

"Those days of the month!"

Unlike in the past, where I would launch into a tirade of emotions when I felt thus,
This time
I just kept quiet

n the irritation simmered somewhere in the background....

A few hours later

whilst watching the interplay of waves and
our shadows
as we sat on the rocks,
Watching the seagulls n distant white sailing boat in the beautiful Dawlish Beach...
... it struck me....

I have struggling so hard to maintain this
perfectly coiffured image
of a perfectly balanced person....

Like the perfectly photoshopped images on Facebook

Always smiling
Always achieving
Always living it up and having a good time

This cranky part of me
Which snaps and bitches
Hollers and simmers
through the
Duniya jala daalongi moods at times

Is all hidden from the world

Oh so much of a burden.....!!!

When the shadows and bitchiness can be embraced as effortlessly...

The seagull which I had been admiring in the blue sky just a wee while ago, swooped down and snatched the dinner roll in my hand...

Such a mean b****!!

Wanderlust....

Restlessness creeps in

the desire to go somewhere...

Travelling....
exploring new lands

or revisiting the familiar mohallas from the past

connecting with people: familiar faces or strangers
or myself ...

the urge TO DO something meaningful with my life ..
And have new experiences...
Not in the pompous " I want to heal/change/improve the world " way..

but being more 
creative 
different 
colorful
exciting 
invigorating 
compassionate 
caring
Messy sometimes... 
and 
being more HUMAN , for sure !!!!

Am I an inveterate butterfly, moving from experience to experience
or 
Just a traveller? 

Exploring
inside
and
outside

Honoring the traveller within :)

It's taken time , many years and places....

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Now I become myself

It's taken Time, 

many years and places;

I have been dissolved and shaken,

Worn other people's faces...

~May Sarton~

Sometimes...
Instead of exhilaration,
there seems to be a sense of

What-the-hell-am-I doing with my life?

Is life
a dazed window shopping spree on a frenzied weekend?

Zombie surfing on whatsapp chats
feeding the imaginary pets,
scanning the newspapers for the latest break-ups in Bollywood
and having the predictable automated conversations in social dos where the entire evening is templatized, including the playlists and the drinks...

Running an imaginary treadmill of success, knowing fully well that it doesn't sustain the fire within?
Seeking a 'like' in every conversation, every relationship..
as if that pat will finally liberate the chained puppy inside!

Time to unpeel the mask
and say hello to the acne on my face
the restlessness in the heart
and the loneliness in the dark abyss of the soul

Befriend the shaky ordinary dreams which refuse to go away....

Persistent and determined

Doggedly nudging, cajoling,
Leading me like an awestruck child who sees the shooting star on the sky

and discovers the bliss within ...after chasing it for aeons outside

Time to lose myself....and become Me

Now there is time and Time is young.
O, in this single hour I live
All of myself and do not move.
I, pursued, who madly ran
Stand still, stand still, and stop in the sun.

~May Sarton~