In recent times have seen a lot of relationships crashing :
Close friendships of childhood,
Marriages...
Work partnerships of 20+ years.....
crumbling just like that!!!
Personally too ....
a breakup in a relationship which mattered, has been excruciatingly painful!
The sorrow that lingers on ....has not been linear.
The shock of the misunderstanding
and the break-up was immediate...
almost surreal...
Traces of sadness have dragged along
gradually, deeply, insidiously...like a lost child
They surface at most inopportune of times -
During formal meetings when I am supposed to be my professional best
When I am waiting at the checkout queue, ready to pay my bill
and there is one drop of tear and the other...
and the lady at the counter is left wondering
what catastrophe has befallen on me!
Even if I have avoided the pain by numbing it during daytime, the demon crawls up the wall of the heart and begins gnawing n clawing for attention....whilst I lay alone in bed at night!
More often than not, I give in... allowing the pain to envelop me with the sheet of despondency.
Where did I go wrong?
How could I .....?
If allowed a second chance, would I do it differently?
Being in grief has taught me the importance of connecting to deeper feelings and vulnerability.
Earlier I would be impervious to feeling such emotions or would shrug them with a
" One needs to be practical and move on in life!" kind of a platitude...
Today I notice the hurt and sorrow and welcome her with open arms :
allowing her to collapse in gently in my acceptance and embrace, whenever she wants to !
I have also become clearer of priorities and what I value and need in my life.
Do I come from neediness or do I provide space in my relationships ?
Do I value honest communication and respect in my relationships?
Both in giving and receiving?
How do I hold and value : polarities, divergence and rejection - with dogmatic zeal of protecting what's dear to me or with an openness of heart?
Perhaps the best gift of fall-out of my grief is my changed relationship with Silence!
I have begun to befriend Silence rather than shun her for the difficult questions she asks me.
I like the insights which she throws up unflinchingly, and in a very unbiased way -
something I was either unable or unwilling to listen, caught as I was in the throes of emotional highs of a relationship!
Things have begun to feel lighter as many knots are being untied by my connection with self.
"Sometimes suffering the losses and the unexpected betrayals and break-ups that befall each of us becomes the places where we grow deepest in our capacity to lead an authentic and free life.
Here is where the heart grows in dignity and care.
By grieving honorably and tenderly and working our way through our difficulties, our ability to love and feel compassion for ourselves and others deepens, along with the trust that will help us through similar problems in the future."
~ Jack Kornfield ~
After all ,
"The pain is necessary to know the truth but I do not need to keep the pain alive to keep the truth alive " ~Mark Nepo~
