A teardrop

Was that a drop of tear I saw glistening near his eyes?

I will never know because he turned his face away, as soon as he heard the song begin

 and Lata’s unmistaken honeyed voice wifted across softly....

When he looked back at all of us across the table : 

there was such a delight which lit up his face -

Something which came from deep within Him!

We were sitting together in a restaurant talking about Hindi songs - old and very old ...

He wanted to listen to a number he hadn’t heard in sixty long years 

I just googled the words and played the song to him : in NANOSECONDS 
Dil Jalega

An ordinary moment became extraordinary for me , as I glimpsed into my Dad's soul...

Moment of unexplainable connection 

Looking without judgment

"The difference between a flower and a weed is - Judgement !" Wayne Dyer

"Such beautiful flowers....Where did you pick them up from?"

I had come to a weekend getaway with friends and what greeted us at the reception, on the side table were these bunch of pink and white beauties!

"They are all over the estate, " said the lady who had ushered us in our quaint cottage, " Didn't you see?"

"No, I guess we missed them !"

Indeed when I noticed carefully in the estate 

these pink beauties bobbed up and down in the wind in the grass, 

looking as if someone had laid out a verdant green carpet with pink flowers 

So intent was I on looking at the "BEAUTY", that I failed to notice it!

How typical...

I laughed to myself....

Missing the obvious, because I was searching for the profound...

as if one is superior over the other :) 

I live my daydreams in music....

"If I were not a physicist, I would probably be a musician. 

I often think in music. I live my daydreams in music. 

I see my life in terms of music.”
~Albert Einstein~

Ever since I can remember,
music has been an integral part of my life...

The whisper of crickets in the leechi trees in Dehradun

The loud drone of fighter planes in Basra

The koooo-koooo chook-chook of train from Mumbai to Benares in the summer holidays

The incomprehensible yet loving loris of Daddaji in chaste punjabi

The gurgling sound of Ganga at Laxman Jhoola and the swish of the paddle boats

And Lata Mangeshkar- Kishore Kumar duets on Radio Ceylon

I was a dreamy child and sought music wherever I was!

Sawant dadaji in Theosophical society, Benares, astutely channelised my love for singing
and introduced me to Gayatri Mantra and Hanuman chalisa at a very early age
Getting up at 4.30 am to hear the vedic chants reverberating in each and every cell of my body,
was the highlight of my summer holidays.
I can almost hear them even today

Bandra East, Mumbai was where I was introduced to the wonder of playlists
Those TDK cassettes zealously purchased from the duty-free shops,
Our old antique-looking German tape-recorder
And my brother and I painstakingly writing the name of the each song neatly
with our black Schaefer ink pen...

Chitrahaar, Movies and Antakshari made me the original acapella  specialist, even before the background sounds were in vogue!

Though I did not know it then,
learning Hindustani Classical at that age, was a gift given by my parents to me at that tender age!
I ofcourse, resisted the alaaps and the bhaavgeets that time, as I could hear my friends enjoying their evening play when I was practicing the aaroh- avroh ...
and struggling with passing Music exams
while my spirit was dying to participate in the unstructured play in the colony playground!

My love for gaana continued in my dating days with Uday
where his Meri bheegi bheegi  matched my Beeti na beetaayi raina 
and our romance blossomed over our eclectic choice of music:
his old Kishore Kumar numbers to my Disco Station...how we laughed at the differences...and yet the deeper almost divine bonding

and Soumya was born in a very musically alive home!

Cooing rehashed and remixed versions of nursery rhymes to put her to sleep
Converting the cups of water to jaltarang
It was hardly a surprise that my toddler was soon swaying to songs,
making playlists and swooning over Jonas brothers and Miley Cyrus!

The first playlist she made for me was the sweetest gift anyone had ever, ( and since ) given me,
each number meticulously woven in the necklace of a pretty playlist which Mom could wear and listen to anywhere, anytime....specially when she missed her moppet!

Her tradition of this gifting of love and connection still continues for me in my life ....

I make playlists whenever I want to gift a part of me to someone
and my love affair with Music continues unabashedly, unabated !

Every song with a rhythm , a heartbeat and woven with the richness of life or the ordinariness of it :)

Happy
Sad
Slow
Classical
Old
New
Rock
Jazzy
Dhinchak
English
Hindi
Regional
Global
through the ups and downs of life
bringing me closer to emotions and feelings : the aliveness of life...the joie de vivre of existence

When I look back at almost five decades of my musical moments, 
they encompass it all - 

the voice, the breath, the melody 

and the silence between the notes

the said 

and the unsaid 

I am blessed to have lived and hope to continue living in this cauldron of notes...till eternity !

Check my playlists in this youtube channel

My Playlists

Poignancy and love

As the sun melts into the sea and allows the evening and the night to unfold,
it also brings forth moments
of unspoken
or unrequited love

and

the memories of the beloved.

I wonder what it would be like to celebrate
and not lament
this bitter sweet emotion of poignancy and love
but mostly find it difficult to do so!

Music has helped me dive into memories of love with a spirit

to toast those times of connection and not sink into despondency and pity

Check this playlist which attempts to celebrate this love...

Youtube playlist : Aaye tum Yaad mujhe 

Do not leave your room

Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash


"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait. Do not even wait, be quite still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet"

—Franz Kafka

Akele hain to kya gum hai

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.

meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

— Jellaludin Rumi,

translation by Coleman Barks

Loneliness and I had kept a distance from each other....

Till she decided to visit me four years back!

I have been your quintessential extrovert, till then :

Surrounding myself with
hazaar action
peppy social do's
constant social media noise
mindless shopping
general chatter and cacophony of life....all in good doses!

When Loneliness decided to make friends with me,
it threw me off guard .....to say the least.

I was stand-offish and judgemental, in the beginning :

" I AM NOT 'THAT' SORT OF PERSON!"

The more I resisted the cloud,
more it cloaked me in feelings of isolation, despondency and unworthiness....

Finally I relented and stopped fighting her

"Come, have some chai with me !"

Some early mornings and late evenings,
I  began inviting my Loneliness to sit across on the chatai...
minus the distraction of my smartphone or netflix...
nudging her to open up her heart to me.

Initially she was reticent and she camouflaged herself in the cloak of sadness....
but slowly she relented and began opening up - and HOW !

Her devotedness to make me learn and grow as a human being, surprised me.

I discovered parts of me which I had not seen before-

Beneath the veneer of fear of being alone
was a very strong courageous human
who was committed to give herself and contributing to the life fully....

The seemingly flippant and frivolous chatter-box
hid a heart longing to connect deeper with people and with life...

the restless actions had hidden that part of me, which actually revelled in stillness.

Loneliness may have been an uninvited guest , but she has become a wonderful dost  and guide !

The nest is empty......but does my life have to be so ?

Soumya's going away  to the University was tough....
rather I made Soumya's leaving for the University tough for myself!

Initially I would spend time in her room
to feel her presence and to fill the void,
reminiscing over the times we spent together...
brooding over the emptiness I felt in her absence.

I tried
retail therapy
mindless chatter on whatsapp

just something
to fill the hours which
seemed
to stretch on and on

Over the weeks, months and years 
I realised how much I had used my daughter as a surrogate, 
to define and live my short term goals and long term dreams!

No one asked me to do so,
it just felt easy :

in the Comfort Zone ...
playing the Mommy !

being worried about the grades, courses to take in the university, emotional highs and lows in school and the junk food intake of a growing teenager....

rather than looking at deeper, maybe more real questions of life, for myself :

How do I add more meaning to my life and to those of others around me?

What work/role brings joy to me 
and more importantly , what am I doing to pursue it?

Slowly it has begun dawning on me that
loneliness and restlessness inside of me are
nothing
but

a Reality Check to connect to

Who I really am :

Beyond
a friend
a daughter
a team player
a lover
a wife
and a mother.....

Some use travel, others mindless chatter, food, templatized fun life....
to deflect from visiting this space of inquiry of truly who they are , sans all the roles and titles

I have used my motherhood!

The nest may be empty today...
but life is still full of all the meaning that I can choose to create in it now!

Do I need to keep the pain alive to keep the truth alive?

In recent times have seen a lot of relationships crashing :

Close friendships of childhood,
Marriages...
Work partnerships of 20+ years.....
crumbling just like that!!!

Personally too ....
a breakup in a relationship which mattered, has been excruciatingly painful!

The sorrow that lingers on ....has not been linear.

The shock of the misunderstanding
and the break-up was immediate...
almost surreal...

Traces of sadness have dragged along
gradually, deeply, insidiously...like a lost child 

They surface at  most inopportune of times -

During formal meetings when I am supposed to be my professional best

When I am waiting at the checkout queue, ready to pay my bill 

and there is one drop of tear and the other...

and the lady at the counter is left wondering

what catastrophe has befallen on me!

Even if I have avoided the pain by numbing it during daytime, the demon crawls up the wall of the heart and begins gnawing n clawing for attention....whilst I lay alone in bed at night!

More often than not, I give in... allowing the pain to envelop me with the sheet of despondency.

Where did  I go wrong? 
How could I .....?

If allowed a second chance, would I do it differently? 

Being in grief has taught me the importance of connecting to deeper feelings and vulnerability.

Earlier I would be impervious to feeling such emotions or would shrug them with a
" One needs to be practical and move on in life!" kind of a platitude...

Today I notice the hurt and sorrow and welcome her with open arms :
allowing her to collapse in gently in my acceptance and embrace, whenever she wants to !

I have also become clearer of priorities and what I value and need in my life.

Do I come from neediness or do I provide space in my relationships ? 
Do I value honest communication and respect in my relationships? 
Both in giving and receiving? 
How do I hold  and value : polarities, divergence  and rejection - with dogmatic zeal of protecting what's dear to me or with an openness of heart?

Perhaps the best gift of fall-out of my grief is my changed relationship with Silence!

I have begun to befriend Silence rather than shun her for the difficult questions she asks me.

I like the insights which she throws up unflinchingly, and in a very unbiased way -
something I was either unable or unwilling to listen, caught as I was in the throes of emotional highs of a relationship!

Things have begun to feel lighter as many knots are being untied by my connection with self.

"Sometimes suffering the losses and the unexpected betrayals and break-ups that befall each of us becomes the places where we grow deepest in our capacity to lead an authentic and free life. 
Here is where the heart grows in dignity and care. 

By grieving honorably and tenderly and working our way through our difficulties, our ability to love and feel compassion for ourselves and others deepens, along with the trust that will help us through similar problems in the future." 
~ Jack Kornfield ~

After all ,

"The pain is necessary to know the truth but I do not need to keep the pain alive to keep the truth alive " ~Mark Nepo~

The art of stillness

https://unsplash.com

'In an age of speed, I began to think, nothing could be more invigorating than going slow. In an age of distraction, nothing can feel more luxurious than paying attention. And in an age of constant movement, nothing is more urgent than sitting still.'
~Pico Iyer~

Its been a while, that the need to slow down has been knocking hard....
Permeating every moment when I am harried and rushing through the day

Pulling me back when I want to multitask mindlessly

Egging me on 

To        
Slow down 
and chill....
And become more attentive!

What's there to rush like this???

My body decided to join in this coaxing and cajoling : 
Fell off the stairs whilst I was climbing , a few days back...The foot hurt badly and ego was badly bruised 😉 !

What seemed like a small cut was actually a deeper wound requiring immediate attention and stitching up.

Doctor was categorical in his verdict - Complete bed rest for a fortnight and a strong dose of painkillers! Your world will not stop! 

No, it won't....

'Ahem, Really?'

I have been playing the 'grounded kabootar' ever since...

Trying hard Not to move or to DO anything which adds pressure to the hurt foot.

Playing a 'patient' patient

Allowing everyone time to attend to me after I holler for the nth time!

Its not helping that I had decided just last month to do a facebook/whatsapp detox and wean myself from inane conversations and peripheral connections on social media....

Becoming aware how difficult it has become to quieten down and listen to my inner voice- Practicing the art of stillness! 

OhYes........

' in an age of constant movement, nothing is more urgent than sitting still!'

Hold to your own truth...

All the true vows
are secret vows
the ones we speak out loud
are the ones we break.

There is only one life
you can call your own
and a thousand others
you can call by any name you want.

Hold to the truth you make
every day with your own body,
don't turn your face away.

Hold to your own truth
at the center of the image
you were born with......

....By the lake in the wood
in the shadows
you can
whisper that truth
to the quiet reflection
you see in the water.

Whatever you hear from
the water, remember,
it wants you to carry
the sound of its truth on your lips.


David Whyte
my favourite poet whose work has profoundly impacted me.....
And connected me to myself

Sometimes the words are too many, 
or too deep....

But here they touch the deepest part 

"Hold to your own truth
at the center of the image
you were born with"

Perhaps, there is no ONE truth, 
or perhaps there is....

As long as I stay true to the longing and not turn my face away from it...