Akele hain to kya gum hai

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.

meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

— Jellaludin Rumi,

translation by Coleman Barks

Loneliness and I had kept a distance from each other....

Till she decided to visit me four years back!

I have been your quintessential extrovert, till then :

Surrounding myself with
hazaar action
peppy social do's
constant social media noise
mindless shopping
general chatter and cacophony of life....all in good doses!

When Loneliness decided to make friends with me,
it threw me off guard .....to say the least.

I was stand-offish and judgemental, in the beginning :

" I AM NOT 'THAT' SORT OF PERSON!"

The more I resisted the cloud,
more it cloaked me in feelings of isolation, despondency and unworthiness....

Finally I relented and stopped fighting her

"Come, have some chai with me !"

Some early mornings and late evenings,
I  began inviting my Loneliness to sit across on the chatai...
minus the distraction of my smartphone or netflix...
nudging her to open up her heart to me.

Initially she was reticent and she camouflaged herself in the cloak of sadness....
but slowly she relented and began opening up - and HOW !

Her devotedness to make me learn and grow as a human being, surprised me.

I discovered parts of me which I had not seen before-

Beneath the veneer of fear of being alone
was a very strong courageous human
who was committed to give herself and contributing to the life fully....

The seemingly flippant and frivolous chatter-box
hid a heart longing to connect deeper with people and with life...

the restless actions had hidden that part of me, which actually revelled in stillness.

Loneliness may have been an uninvited guest , but she has become a wonderful dost  and guide !

Noticing what surprises and disturbs me.....

"Noticing what surprises and disturbs me has been a very useful way to see invisible beliefs. If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. If what you say disturbs me, I must believe something contrary to you. My shock at your position exposes my own position. 

When I hear myself saying, “How could anyone believe something like that?” a light comes on for me to see my own beliefs. 

These moments are great gifts. 

If I can see my beliefs and assumptions, I can decide whether I still value them.

I hope you’ll begin a conversation, listening for what’s new. 
Listen as best you can for what’s different, for what surprises you. 

See if this practice helps you learn something new..." 

~Margaret Wheatley~

Famous : Just being myself

Almost nearing the golden jubilee of existence....
still wonder sometimes at what does
being Famous or
being Successful mean....

These words by Naomi Shihab Nye resound in my heart with their authenticity.

Famous 

"The river is famous to the fish.

The loud voice is famous to silence,

which knew it would inherit the earth

before anybody said so.

The cat sleeping on the fence is famous to the birds

watching him from the birdhouse.

The tear is famous, briefly, to the cheek.

The idea you carry close to your bosom

is famous to your bosom.

The boot is famous to the earth,

more famous than the dress shoe,

which is famous only to floors.

The bent photograph is famous to the one who carries it

and not at all famous to the one who is pictured.

I want to be famous to shuffling men

who smile while crossing streets,

sticky children in grocery lines,

famous as the one who smiled back.

I want to be famous in the way a pulley is famous,

or a buttonhole, not because it did anything spectacular,

but because it never forgot what it could do."

I want to be famous in the way a pulley is famous,

or a buttonhole, not because it did anything spectacular,

but because it never forgot what it could do.

Just not me

https ://unsplash.com

Its so seductive to live in the "glorious past" 

and the "glorious titles or roles' which defined me in the good ol' days ..
Some titles make me appear taller than I am...

Ahem! and more important...
and some.....well, they are just NOT ME , in my current avatar...

but are present, like an addendum...an afterthought!

Some of my Ad nauseaum titles which are pulled out as trump card but longer resonate with me, today are :

Academic Achiever & School Captain ( 35 + years back :)

Entrepreneur ( All of 17 years ago)

Rubble rouser & Dabbler at work ( All of my professional life LOL )

Hoarder ( practically all of my life )

Today as I embark upon a journey of simplicity and meaning, time to expire and knock off titles which have outlived their use.

Check out this wonderful article, which delves deeper into this 

https://sivers.org/expire

'Ring out the Old....so that you can Ring in the New' !

The art of stillness

https://unsplash.com

'In an age of speed, I began to think, nothing could be more invigorating than going slow. In an age of distraction, nothing can feel more luxurious than paying attention. And in an age of constant movement, nothing is more urgent than sitting still.'
~Pico Iyer~

Its been a while, that the need to slow down has been knocking hard....
Permeating every moment when I am harried and rushing through the day

Pulling me back when I want to multitask mindlessly

Egging me on 

To        
Slow down 
and chill....
And become more attentive!

What's there to rush like this???

My body decided to join in this coaxing and cajoling : 
Fell off the stairs whilst I was climbing , a few days back...The foot hurt badly and ego was badly bruised 😉 !

What seemed like a small cut was actually a deeper wound requiring immediate attention and stitching up.

Doctor was categorical in his verdict - Complete bed rest for a fortnight and a strong dose of painkillers! Your world will not stop! 

No, it won't....

'Ahem, Really?'

I have been playing the 'grounded kabootar' ever since...

Trying hard Not to move or to DO anything which adds pressure to the hurt foot.

Playing a 'patient' patient

Allowing everyone time to attend to me after I holler for the nth time!

Its not helping that I had decided just last month to do a facebook/whatsapp detox and wean myself from inane conversations and peripheral connections on social media....

Becoming aware how difficult it has become to quieten down and listen to my inner voice- Practicing the art of stillness! 

OhYes........

' in an age of constant movement, nothing is more urgent than sitting still!'

It's taken time , many years and places....

Uploaded from http://unsplash.com

Now I become myself

It's taken Time, 

many years and places;

I have been dissolved and shaken,

Worn other people's faces...

~May Sarton~

Sometimes...
Instead of exhilaration,
there seems to be a sense of

What-the-hell-am-I doing with my life?

Is life
a dazed window shopping spree on a frenzied weekend?

Zombie surfing on whatsapp chats
feeding the imaginary pets,
scanning the newspapers for the latest break-ups in Bollywood
and having the predictable automated conversations in social dos where the entire evening is templatized, including the playlists and the drinks...

Running an imaginary treadmill of success, knowing fully well that it doesn't sustain the fire within?
Seeking a 'like' in every conversation, every relationship..
as if that pat will finally liberate the chained puppy inside!

Time to unpeel the mask
and say hello to the acne on my face
the restlessness in the heart
and the loneliness in the dark abyss of the soul

Befriend the shaky ordinary dreams which refuse to go away....

Persistent and determined

Doggedly nudging, cajoling,
Leading me like an awestruck child who sees the shooting star on the sky

and discovers the bliss within ...after chasing it for aeons outside

Time to lose myself....and become Me

Now there is time and Time is young.
O, in this single hour I live
All of myself and do not move.
I, pursued, who madly ran
Stand still, stand still, and stop in the sun.

~May Sarton~

Musical Glee !

I am glad the bus driver was

erratic,

rude 

and inconsistent in his daily pick up at 7.30 a.m
and
the auto drivers highly unreliable in showing up! 

The result was that I was forced to drive Soumya to school...all through the last few years of her school.

As we navigated through the potholed lanes of New Link Road, Andheri... through the early morning traffic, we  discovered a common love for music...

her type
my type
our type :)
We forged a new relationship which transcended time....and 'generation-gap' biases.

As soon as the key was put in the ignition and the radio turned up, we were  transported  to an indescribable space...

God Bless RJ Malishka and her shendi,  Ashok Advani and his smoother than wine voice , the bubbly Keisha , Bruno Mars, Lata Mangeshkar , RD Burman, Amit Trivedi , Lady Gaga, Ed Sheeran and Jason Mraz  who hummed and crooned , yoodled or yelped depending upon the mellifluousness of the voice...or the orchestration of the instruments and words!

the beats reverberated in our small space and enveloped us in their warmth.

We were two kids who were cocooned in their private sound bubble and sing-a-long ( much to the amusement of the other motorists, I am sure  :) till we reached the school gates!

Who would have thought that I would enjoy the beats of BAD ROMANCE and Katie Perry or that Soumya would find RD Burman numbers, 'Hot' ?

"Today I dont wanna do anything
I just wanna lay in my bed!....drawled Bruno Mars

" Somethings changed within me, something is not the same...
I am through with playing by the rules of the game..." crooned Ibene...

"Hey Mom! This is Ibene ....She played Rachel's mother in Glee Season 1!".....
"Oh ! did she ?"
" Fantastic voice na!

"I want to break free ...We don't need no education....." 

I wish you were asked as students what do you want to study. 
Have you ever used calculus in life ? 
Why do you need to study that ?

Music became our common conversation triggers which seamlessly opened up other discussions, about school , teachers, boys, growing up pangs ,  dirt on Mumbai roads...

I did not need to sermonise or advise or guide her as a superior...just converse with her about the silliest of topics and the most profound of life queries...or the routine mom daughter arguments. ..Music always forming a seamless comforting space to weave these memories for me!

Today when Soumya is far far away from me, listening to music of her choice,  tucked in cosily in her hostel room...I do not have the same 7.30 routine...

Many days I am just about waking up that time as there is no morning rush...just an unstructured day, working from home.

I cannot but help feeling blessed for the Sound of Music in our lives and all those innumerable talented singers, song writers and musicians who deepened my bond with Soumya and with MUSIC.

Who am I Vs. What am I?

Uploaded from
http://unsplash.com 

When a child is born he is pure love and truth, at one with the existence!

The child is created in love and is totally self expressive and truthful.

It expresses its needs by laughing , crying and being honest about his likes and dislikes.

He is clear of WHO HE IS and does not need any label, status symbol or degree to reconfirm or prove that. He just revels in the moment and is totally himself, with everyone around...no discrimination there.

As the child grows up to be an adult , he starts noticing the  “what’s” of life : Money , Status, Class,  Education, Power : he starts using these to identify self … ‘I am richer than my friend’, ‘I am from South Bombay and my father is a rich businessman,’ ‘My degree from Harvard shows that I am superior to others..’ etc. and this goes on and on as no acquisition is complete in filling the void of adequacy…

The journey becomes an exercise of proving how good he is, how much better off than friend/neighbor/siblings….External symbols, qualifications, holidays, material possessions become the props to define WHAT HE IS in life.

He begins cheating, lying, comparing , showing off , networking to become something that he is not...love and truth which defined his simple existence, get tossed out of the window!

The person who was content being himself feels lost if he does not have ‘x’ number of contacts in his linkedin profile , is not seen holidaying in an exotic location or if he does not get invited to the most “happening’ party in town. His worth is measured by whether he is a vice-president of a multinational company jetsetting across the globe or an ordinary middle-class citizen travelling by train.

If I reflect back on my life
I can clearly see how I have moved away from WHO I WAS to WHAT ALL DO I POSSESS ? I have defined myself with what I possess, how well is my husband doing in his career and can I project that well to my friends, how I am better off/worse off than many of my friends, how I need to buy another something expensive to make my friends envy me.

Many a moment has been spent in anguish and jealousy when I have made this comparison and joined this race.

Today I ask my self : Why do I need something outside of me to define me?

Stripped of all the trappings/symbols/possessions which define me : WHO AM I  but warmth and love and existence!

Quietly reflective : the introverts in my life

Reading "QUIET : The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking." by Susan Cain.

What an eye-opener of a book for an exuberant, wordy, out-in-the-world extrovert like me !

Am taken back to around a decade ago when Soumya was all of five or six and was labelled 'shy' 'anti-social'and 'snooty' by moms n children alike, just because she took time to open up socially in her gentle quiet way. Like me, these people could not understand that she just had a different way of looking at life and was much more than those labels which boxed her into a space which screamed : ' YOU ARE SO QUIET....SPEAK OUT !'

Thanks to Uday, a quiet person himself, that she has, and continues, to blossom in her quiet, resolute and reflective way : teaching me many a lesson in calm and centeredness.

Would recommend this book to all : introverts, extroverts and ambiverts...Check the link http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/

One of my biggest learning in life has come from the three introverts who inhabit my space : my daughter, husband and father-in-law who balance my chirpy over-stimulated go-for-it presence with reflection, centeredness and depth of thoughts.

More pencil sharpenings...

Received this in mail from Shaheen, who has been one of the biggest influencers and sharpeners in my life .

The most important lesson for me in this, is the Lesson no. 5....

allowing myself to be guided ....always resistant to that :)


A PENCIL MAKER TOLD THE PENCIL 5 IMPORTANT LESSONS JUST BEFORE PUTTING IT IN THE BOX :

1.) EVERYTHING YOU DO WILL ALWAYS LEAVE A MARK .

2.) YOU CAN ALWAYS CORRECT THE MISTAKES YOU MAKE.

3.) WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS WHAT IS INSIDE OF YOU.

4.) IN LIFE , YOU WILL UNDERGO PAINFUL SHARPENINGS, WHICH WILL ONLY MAKE YOU BETTER.

5.) TO BE A PENCIL, YOU MUST ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE HELD AND GUIDED BY THE HAND THAT HOLDS YOU.

We all need to be constantly sharpened.