Looking without judgment

"The difference between a flower and a weed is - Judgement !" Wayne Dyer

"Such beautiful flowers....Where did you pick them up from?"

I had come to a weekend getaway with friends and what greeted us at the reception, on the side table were these bunch of pink and white beauties!

"They are all over the estate, " said the lady who had ushered us in our quaint cottage, " Didn't you see?"

"No, I guess we missed them !"

Indeed when I noticed carefully in the estate 

these pink beauties bobbed up and down in the wind in the grass, 

looking as if someone had laid out a verdant green carpet with pink flowers 

So intent was I on looking at the "BEAUTY", that I failed to notice it!

How typical...

I laughed to myself....

Missing the obvious, because I was searching for the profound...

as if one is superior over the other :) 

Poignancy and love

As the sun melts into the sea and allows the evening and the night to unfold,
it also brings forth moments
of unspoken
or unrequited love

and

the memories of the beloved.

I wonder what it would be like to celebrate
and not lament
this bitter sweet emotion of poignancy and love
but mostly find it difficult to do so!

Music has helped me dive into memories of love with a spirit

to toast those times of connection and not sink into despondency and pity

Check this playlist which attempts to celebrate this love...

Youtube playlist : Aaye tum Yaad mujhe 

Did you take my charger?

I had woken up late....
rushed out for an early morning work-out
and then client meeting in the far off Mumbai suburb!

It could be my pms
or my need of affection,
or that I was missing him
or countless other reasons...

but I wanted to just hear from him -

FIRST !

FOR A CHANGE....

and he did message me as soon as he woke up.....

DID YOU TAKE MY CHARGER?

I sheepishly rummaged my backpack.

I HAD taken his charger with me....

and he would be mad at me, just now
Madder than I have been in the past

when he took my charger with him, by mistake....

Making him squirm and feel guilty, all together !

I did not tell him that!

Nor did I say :
that I missed him, 
that I wished I was cuddled up right now with him, 
instead of bumping along the dusty suburbs of Thane

that I loved him...

I just said : Sorry !

Hoping he would understand

WOULD HE ?
Really ? 

Do not leave your room

Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash


"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait. Do not even wait, be quite still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet"

—Franz Kafka

Akele hain to kya gum hai

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.

meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

— Jellaludin Rumi,

translation by Coleman Barks

Loneliness and I had kept a distance from each other....

Till she decided to visit me four years back!

I have been your quintessential extrovert, till then :

Surrounding myself with
hazaar action
peppy social do's
constant social media noise
mindless shopping
general chatter and cacophony of life....all in good doses!

When Loneliness decided to make friends with me,
it threw me off guard .....to say the least.

I was stand-offish and judgemental, in the beginning :

" I AM NOT 'THAT' SORT OF PERSON!"

The more I resisted the cloud,
more it cloaked me in feelings of isolation, despondency and unworthiness....

Finally I relented and stopped fighting her

"Come, have some chai with me !"

Some early mornings and late evenings,
I  began inviting my Loneliness to sit across on the chatai...
minus the distraction of my smartphone or netflix...
nudging her to open up her heart to me.

Initially she was reticent and she camouflaged herself in the cloak of sadness....
but slowly she relented and began opening up - and HOW !

Her devotedness to make me learn and grow as a human being, surprised me.

I discovered parts of me which I had not seen before-

Beneath the veneer of fear of being alone
was a very strong courageous human
who was committed to give herself and contributing to the life fully....

The seemingly flippant and frivolous chatter-box
hid a heart longing to connect deeper with people and with life...

the restless actions had hidden that part of me, which actually revelled in stillness.

Loneliness may have been an uninvited guest , but she has become a wonderful dost  and guide !

Rambunctious & reflective inconsistencies

"If one wants really to live life in all its richness, one has to learn how to be inconsistent, how to be consistently inconsistent, how to be able to move from one extreme to another — sometimes rooted deep in the earth and sometimes flying high in heaven, sometimes making love and sometimes meditating.

And then, slowly slowly, your heaven and your earth will come closer and closer, 
and you will become the horizon where they meet." Osho

down in the dumps of loneliness or
high on the ebullience of connections

focussed on the goals for the quarter or
scattered and chaotically ambling along

quietly reflective in solitude or
rambunctiously dancing on Bollywood numbers....

time to make peace with inconsistencies as a norm,
rather than an exception.....
in life

Afterall, there is no consistent destination to go towards, but this moment!

Regular, boring, mundane chores.....

"An act in totality is reward in itself.

When your act is total, there is no reward except itself.


Whether you are drinking tea or painting a great painting

or playing music...

if the act is total, it is your reward."

Osho


I have been noticing how I start something with great gusto...
but the interest wanes as soon as something
more "profound"
more "glamorous "
or that which will get me more "taalis" comes up...

Regular, boring, mundane chores...

at home or work are usually ignored
and/or dealt with half-heartedness
and many a times

even dropped off like an orphan :)

There is obviously a hierarchy in my mind of what is important and not important !

Creating workshop collaterals for clients becomes more important
than cleaning the wardrobe.
Making that all important presentation for Social Media obviously gets priority
vis-a vis the daily meditation practice,
Bills are almost always paid last minute...
with the slowest of internet speed, buffering my irritation...
as I forgot where the minutes flew by in the all engrossing chat in the WhatsApp group !


In my mind some tasks will help me shine ,
others are the not-so-important irritants which need to be dealt with

Yet,
I do wonder...

If you can't take on the simple tasks in totality as you can, how can you conquer the big things? 

Reject or Accept : Rumbling Bumbling Cutie pie!

In another plane, another reality

I would be a slim, elegant lady
Waxing eloquent on philosophies of life...

Draped in a crisp off-white, silk sari
Not a hair out of place..
Just filling the room with her grace!

Rather than a Rumbling Bumbling Cutie pie....

My tears would be quietly and surreptitiously dabbed
with a tissue paper, from my waterproof-kohl lined eyes.
No dark, ungainly smudges there...

and no wiping the running nose with hands, for sure!

My slightly curved smile would make it to the cover of Vogue.
My husky measured voice would cause many a-hearts-a flutter,
And not go berserk in the loud hysterical sobs
or guffaws which shake the furniture!

My arguments would be clever and well articulated,
And not tumble out of my mouth
In sometimes shrill,
     sometimes garbled mess, with a life of their own!

My demeanour would be poised,
my emotions draped well on my body,
     well modulated, cohesive and controlled!
Not messy, chaotic and argumentative
     like a lady haggling in Versova fish market!

Yet the person staring at me in the mirror is :

Thodi plump
Thodi defiant
Sometimes messy...or bitchy,
with a dollop of mean streak ...

With a fiercely possessive heart....

AND.....

a

Rumbling Bumbling Cutie pie!

“I knew there was something peculiar about you," she said.
"And I mean that as the highest compliment."
I'd always known I was strange.
I never dreamed I was peculiar.
~Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children
Ransom Riggs~

Famous : Just being myself

Almost nearing the golden jubilee of existence....
still wonder sometimes at what does
being Famous or
being Successful mean....

These words by Naomi Shihab Nye resound in my heart with their authenticity.

Famous 

"The river is famous to the fish.

The loud voice is famous to silence,

which knew it would inherit the earth

before anybody said so.

The cat sleeping on the fence is famous to the birds

watching him from the birdhouse.

The tear is famous, briefly, to the cheek.

The idea you carry close to your bosom

is famous to your bosom.

The boot is famous to the earth,

more famous than the dress shoe,

which is famous only to floors.

The bent photograph is famous to the one who carries it

and not at all famous to the one who is pictured.

I want to be famous to shuffling men

who smile while crossing streets,

sticky children in grocery lines,

famous as the one who smiled back.

I want to be famous in the way a pulley is famous,

or a buttonhole, not because it did anything spectacular,

but because it never forgot what it could do."

I want to be famous in the way a pulley is famous,

or a buttonhole, not because it did anything spectacular,

but because it never forgot what it could do.

Whats Appening in your life ?

Connections are simple..

Today, even more so!

With the click of a button, 
an emoji, 
or a like on a Facebook page,
you can “ chat” and get away with it!

I have made some awesome connections through Social Media : 
Facebook, Instagram or Whatsapp groups - connections and reconnections...

Old school friends, crushes who can now be safely shifted to category of bff 's , long forgotten cousins, uncles and aunts with whom I don't recall sharing too many conversations in childhood, but share good morning messages now; 
and ofcourse the jolly old office colleagues from twenty five years back !

They are all there....
with their 
Forwards 
Opinions 
Selfies
and Gyaan !

From their professional updates 
to daily shares of moods 
or the check-ins at some airport, 
flying to some exotic locales and eating food with unpronounceable names 
and living up their 'perfect' lives with 'perfect pouts' to match !

Our social lives and our "conversations" are perhaps more frequent, pithy, photoshopped  
and regularly updated now...

Maybe not in person, but definitely on the facebook wall !

In this cacophony of coiffeured, polished  and filtered chats

I do miss the simplicity of  the Pre- Social Media era...

where you sat 

and chatted 

and talked 

and vented 

and laughed

and cried 

and expressed 

and 

where you were listened to, 

or scolded and reprimanded....

with all the compassion
care
bitchiness,
fears
insecurities
upsets
love
support …

Simple unplanned, rough-edged and free flowing conversations

Where there was time to listen and be heard and not be dismissed with a click, a swipe or a 'brb'

Where you could always pick up the phone and unblock the misunderstandings,

Where moments of silence, boredom and restlessness did not have to filled in with everyone checking their Insta updates!

Where hands held each other and not the smartphones...

  

Home is the place where you stand...

'Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam,

Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home;

A charm from the sky seems to hallow us there,

Which, seek through the world, is ne'er met with elsewhere.

Home! Home! sweet, sweet Home!

There's no place like Home! there's no place like Home!

~ John Howard Payne~

I  have been a nomad for atleast half my life.

My father was in a transferable job and we kept moving from one place to the other ...- Delhi, Dehradun, Mumbai, Basra.

Every city had a charm of its own, 

yet

Every move brought out its challenges and adventures... 

It made me approach strangers and new situations unhesitatingly, make friends at the drop of a hat and adjust to new environment through different schools and social circles, grudgingly, but with a naive acceptance!

Then my parents settled down in North India, 
the place which felt closest to home for them, 
and that became home for me it too....
till I got married!
My nomadic journey and the search for " my HOME" restarted !

From the one room terrace flat as newly weds in Seshadripuram, Bengaluru....

to a 1BHK ( a one bedroom hall kitchen) in Bandra, Mumbai to the bigger residential ancestral home of my husband, where we stay at present....
Every home has been an active witness to my life's journey....

"What is home for me, today ?"

A haven of my own....safe from the eyes of the world? 
A place where I can unwind, be myself ?
Nurture family and create community of friends who fight and love and grow together ...
Dream dreams : big and small...
Clutch a pillow and cry my heart out at night when things don't work out!!


It's so difficult to pin down what EXACTLY home means to me...

It's all of the above, perhaps...An extension of me and more!

Pico Iyer's words come closest to what I feel about home : 

Home is a place where you become yourself, a place where you stand!


"Where you come from now is much less important than where you're going. 
More and more of us are rooted in the future or the present tense as much as in the past. 
And home, we know, is not just the place where you happen to be born. 
It's the place where you become yourself. 

And home, in the end, is of course not just the place where you sleep. 

It's the place where you stand!"

~ Pico Iyer~

Do I need to keep the pain alive to keep the truth alive?

In recent times have seen a lot of relationships crashing :

Close friendships of childhood,
Marriages...
Work partnerships of 20+ years.....
crumbling just like that!!!

Personally too ....
a breakup in a relationship which mattered, has been excruciatingly painful!

The sorrow that lingers on ....has not been linear.

The shock of the misunderstanding
and the break-up was immediate...
almost surreal...

Traces of sadness have dragged along
gradually, deeply, insidiously...like a lost child 

They surface at  most inopportune of times -

During formal meetings when I am supposed to be my professional best

When I am waiting at the checkout queue, ready to pay my bill 

and there is one drop of tear and the other...

and the lady at the counter is left wondering

what catastrophe has befallen on me!

Even if I have avoided the pain by numbing it during daytime, the demon crawls up the wall of the heart and begins gnawing n clawing for attention....whilst I lay alone in bed at night!

More often than not, I give in... allowing the pain to envelop me with the sheet of despondency.

Where did  I go wrong? 
How could I .....?

If allowed a second chance, would I do it differently? 

Being in grief has taught me the importance of connecting to deeper feelings and vulnerability.

Earlier I would be impervious to feeling such emotions or would shrug them with a
" One needs to be practical and move on in life!" kind of a platitude...

Today I notice the hurt and sorrow and welcome her with open arms :
allowing her to collapse in gently in my acceptance and embrace, whenever she wants to !

I have also become clearer of priorities and what I value and need in my life.

Do I come from neediness or do I provide space in my relationships ? 
Do I value honest communication and respect in my relationships? 
Both in giving and receiving? 
How do I hold  and value : polarities, divergence  and rejection - with dogmatic zeal of protecting what's dear to me or with an openness of heart?

Perhaps the best gift of fall-out of my grief is my changed relationship with Silence!

I have begun to befriend Silence rather than shun her for the difficult questions she asks me.

I like the insights which she throws up unflinchingly, and in a very unbiased way -
something I was either unable or unwilling to listen, caught as I was in the throes of emotional highs of a relationship!

Things have begun to feel lighter as many knots are being untied by my connection with self.

"Sometimes suffering the losses and the unexpected betrayals and break-ups that befall each of us becomes the places where we grow deepest in our capacity to lead an authentic and free life. 
Here is where the heart grows in dignity and care. 

By grieving honorably and tenderly and working our way through our difficulties, our ability to love and feel compassion for ourselves and others deepens, along with the trust that will help us through similar problems in the future." 
~ Jack Kornfield ~

After all ,

"The pain is necessary to know the truth but I do not need to keep the pain alive to keep the truth alive " ~Mark Nepo~

I DON'T WANT TO DO IT!

http://unsplash.com

Many of my conversations/actions happen in my head...

technicolor, vivid and in all ernest! 

The list is endless :

recipes which need to be organised
books which need to be sorted
documents which need to be purged
cupboard which needs to be cleared
projects which need to be completed
hurts which need to be expressed...

and truth be told, I don't really want to do them :)

Why add to the clutter and just admit the obvious: 

I DON"T WANT TO DO IT !

Simplifies life!!

"I see two smart reactions to this:
Stop lying to yourself, and admit your real priorities.
Start doing what you say you want, and see if it’s really true."

~ Derek Sivers~

https://sivers.org/arv

Just not me

https ://unsplash.com

Its so seductive to live in the "glorious past" 

and the "glorious titles or roles' which defined me in the good ol' days ..
Some titles make me appear taller than I am...

Ahem! and more important...
and some.....well, they are just NOT ME , in my current avatar...

but are present, like an addendum...an afterthought!

Some of my Ad nauseaum titles which are pulled out as trump card but longer resonate with me, today are :

Academic Achiever & School Captain ( 35 + years back :)

Entrepreneur ( All of 17 years ago)

Rubble rouser & Dabbler at work ( All of my professional life LOL )

Hoarder ( practically all of my life )

Today as I embark upon a journey of simplicity and meaning, time to expire and knock off titles which have outlived their use.

Check out this wonderful article, which delves deeper into this 

https://sivers.org/expire

'Ring out the Old....so that you can Ring in the New' !

One of those days...

Yesterday was one of those days:

A faceoff with my judgments and shadows...

Woke up feeling dreary 
Despite the bright cheerful sun
And the awesomely blue sky outside

You know, that happens

kabhi kabhi ???

Ruined a perfect omelette...
with extra oil and salt
And anger....ainveyi...

Snapped for no reason
At every creature who had the audacity to cross my path!
Upset that everyone looked so bright and chirpy....
And no....

I could not blame

"Those days of the month!"

Unlike in the past, where I would launch into a tirade of emotions when I felt thus,
This time
I just kept quiet

n the irritation simmered somewhere in the background....

A few hours later

whilst watching the interplay of waves and
our shadows
as we sat on the rocks,
Watching the seagulls n distant white sailing boat in the beautiful Dawlish Beach...
... it struck me....

I have struggling so hard to maintain this
perfectly coiffured image
of a perfectly balanced person....

Like the perfectly photoshopped images on Facebook

Always smiling
Always achieving
Always living it up and having a good time

This cranky part of me
Which snaps and bitches
Hollers and simmers
through the
Duniya jala daalongi moods at times

Is all hidden from the world

Oh so much of a burden.....!!!

When the shadows and bitchiness can be embraced as effortlessly...

The seagull which I had been admiring in the blue sky just a wee while ago, swooped down and snatched the dinner roll in my hand...

Such a mean b****!!

It's taken time , many years and places....

Uploaded from http://unsplash.com

Now I become myself

It's taken Time, 

many years and places;

I have been dissolved and shaken,

Worn other people's faces...

~May Sarton~

Sometimes...
Instead of exhilaration,
there seems to be a sense of

What-the-hell-am-I doing with my life?

Is life
a dazed window shopping spree on a frenzied weekend?

Zombie surfing on whatsapp chats
feeding the imaginary pets,
scanning the newspapers for the latest break-ups in Bollywood
and having the predictable automated conversations in social dos where the entire evening is templatized, including the playlists and the drinks...

Running an imaginary treadmill of success, knowing fully well that it doesn't sustain the fire within?
Seeking a 'like' in every conversation, every relationship..
as if that pat will finally liberate the chained puppy inside!

Time to unpeel the mask
and say hello to the acne on my face
the restlessness in the heart
and the loneliness in the dark abyss of the soul

Befriend the shaky ordinary dreams which refuse to go away....

Persistent and determined

Doggedly nudging, cajoling,
Leading me like an awestruck child who sees the shooting star on the sky

and discovers the bliss within ...after chasing it for aeons outside

Time to lose myself....and become Me

Now there is time and Time is young.
O, in this single hour I live
All of myself and do not move.
I, pursued, who madly ran
Stand still, stand still, and stop in the sun.

~May Sarton~

Swantantrata Divas....What does it really mean to me?

“Dus ka do…Le lo Na, Didi.

Chalo discount main deti hoon,

Dus Ka teen!”

“Two for Rs ten!

Please buy.

I can give you discount.

Buy three for Rs ten.”

The sale of small paper flags at the traffic signals in Mumbai just before the Republic and Independence Day, is a common sight.

When Soumya was younger, we would enthusiastically buy these symbols of our Indian-ness, eager as I was, to teach her about her roots and what it means to be an Indian. Soon I realized that this was not a good idea!

Once the Independence Day was over, the flag lived a neglected, banished existence…rolling from one corner of the house, to other…gathering dust …and I did not know how to put it away. Throwing away the national flag in dustbin, even though it was a symbolic one, seemed discourteous…even blasphemous!!!

When I was younger, Independence Day meant the mandatory rising up early and going to school for the flag hoisting. I still get goosebumps when I recollect how, as the School Captain, I was made to hoist the flag in front of the School assembly.  Perhaps it was the thrill of being the chosen one… or the intangible sense of pride I felt, as I touched the rope and felt the marigold flowers being showered on my head, the feeling was electrifying...

Over the years 15^th August for me has become one of those distinct days in August which has the most ‘happening’ Independence Day Sales in the shopping malls, or when it happens to fall on a Friday or a Monday, becomes that extended weekend when we can head to Goa or Matheran for a quick break from work.

With the advent of the social media, the celebration of Indianness is even more real time and in your face! The DPs are changed on 14^th August midnight and the tricolor flashed on our Facebook pages to celebrate our bharatiyta. All of this lasts for a day, before the next festivity, the next flavor of the times, takes over!

I wonder what is the Indianness that I want to reflect on and celebrate this 69^th year of Independence?

Is it the immense pride I experience when I hear that Sunder Pichai the newly appointed CEO of Google is an Indian by origin?  Or do I celebrate that India’s first Mars mission, which was blasted off in 2014 cost only Rs. 4.5 billion?

Do I feel embarrassed by the fact that India ranked 94^th out of 176 countries in the Corruption Perception Index of a survey by Transparency International in 2013?

Or feel inspired that that there are people like Kailash Satyarthi who work hard and selflessly, almost unnoticed and unrecognized, till an international agency highlights their achievements?

Do I hang my head in shame and embarrassment when I watch the elected leaders of one of world’s largest democracy bicker and fight in the parliament house like irresponsible children?  

And then closer to home –

What is it that is Indian about me?

How do I define my connection to my unique roots?

I realize that paradoxes in the India that I live in are, perhaps, very akin to the contradictions, which exist inside me.

Perhaps the bharatiyta for me is the deepest sense of pride I feel in being connected to my roots, to this amazingly spirited and spiritual country, its eclectic take on life and its diversity. 

Like the collective, perhaps I am chasing some defunct ideals and principles which need to questioned, personalized and owned up to, rather than blindly accepted because they have been passed on from centuries.

There is an experience of abundance of love, connections and warmth in relationships here, yet there is stubbornness in taking responsibility and a dependency on others to deliver!

My Indianness is the whole chalta hai attitude... the inability to go down the route of commitment and discipline which can make me excel. It is this huge talent, yet a general disbelief around my capabilities.

Independence and connection to my Indianness in the truest sense would be to break the shackles of these beliefs…walk my talk and live my life from an authentic space!

Where I need to exercise my muscle, is the muscle of acceptance…the need to appreciate, embrace and even celebrate the different, the unusual, the nonconformist in me and others…rather than follow the obvious, run of the mill herd mentality.

Can I connect to what I truly believe about life, rituals and pass them onto Soumya and others with genuine connection and appreciation of how it plays out in my life? 

Can I stop conveniently hiding behind others, to shine? 

Can I for one, believe in my talent and ability to deliver as a mother, wife, daughter and a career woman and step out of the web of doubts?

On this Swantrata divas, time for me perhaps to connect to my personal and very unique take on my independence!

"Can you just hold me?"

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uploaded from http://unsplash.com 



" Can you just hold me?" 

The words did not register at first, caught as I was in the throes of anger.

The fight started over something small and insignificant.

I don't even recall what it was.

It snowballed into both of us out-shouting each other in the middle of the night...
Hurling accusations which seem silly now...
Venting frustrations at each other, and at life!

The world suddenly seemed a lonely place and the emotions welled up.

" I have invested twenty five years in this relationship. 
I certainly deserve better." 
I heard myself sobbing out the words, whilst trying to wipe my runny nose.

" Can you just hold me?"

His voice penetrated through the haze.

I found my connection...and my ground.

Letting our hair down...

It's strange how busy all of us have become...

Were at Anupama and Vinayak's home for an old friends get-together!

Pizza and Old Monk on  the hostel terrace has over the years has metamorphosed to Single malt and ghar ka khana with diet restrictions.

As the evening progressed ,
with more than a couple of drinks downed,
realized that connecting is truly simple...
laughing over silly things,
exchanging notes about kids and maids,
discussing Sachin's retirement from cricket
the guys doing the corporate note-exchanges...

n then it was music time
with the familiar " Summer of 69 " and " Born in USA"
and all the tapori " Govinda numbers...
all in our besura hoarse unified voices or

some mellifluous ones :)

Driving back later that night I was realising how automated my life had become in recent times,
even letting the hair down had become templated and predictable.

But this one was was different....

no agenda
to please
show off or
pretend...

or socialise for the heck of it...

Even in the selfies which we clicked there was an irreverence and silliness
The pout did not need to look purrrfect

I realised how much I have been missing this unstructured agenda-less connections in recent times.