I am 13 now, MOM !!!!!!

I have been reflecting upon my changing relationship with Soumya.

She has been extremely excited that she turned thirteen this January.

I have been happy for her!

However, this momentous event of her life has also left me a little confused...

How do I relate to her, now ?
I can't baby her or talk down to her...
she rebels!!!!!!!!
and I am usually at the receiving end of this rebellion...

She is not an adult, though she says she can't wait to "grow UP"

One part of me is becoming more and more aware that I am mothering not a 13 year old teenager, but an image of my daughter!

I so desperately want to understand her changing needs, but I do not know who my daughter is, any more !!

Richard Brown of Naropa University says it so beautifully,

Children need our attention. But they are harmed if we smother them with well-intended, but self-serving attention. Children need us to be genuinely present with them; to be appropriate in that moment of life. We need to let go of our point of view and become them for that instant.

Such selflessness is not easy. We protect ourselves from the rawness of childhood with an armor of ideas, projects, and strategies.... We need to have the dignity and humility to look into the eyes of the children and not be afraid to see them exactly as they are. 

We must nourish children for their own sake, not just so they will live according to our view of childhood, no matter how noble the view."

Spontaneity

Took Soumya to library today because I want books to be one of our many common bonds. 

How will it be to share my thoughts with someone who is twenty-seven years younger?

…She seemed enchanted by those engaging picture books for kids in the library. She pulled out books from the lower shelves and sprawled on the floor, mesmerized, transported to another world. 

I envied her for her spontaneity….

As Hugh Prather says in 'I touch the earth the earth touches me'…

"There were seventy five people in the lobby and only a seven year old girl was finding out what it felt like to sit on a marble floor."

Just.....

..... what do I like?

Quiet, silent time for myself when I sit in front of the computer…talking through the nimble fingers…weaving a world of my own…..baring my soul to the machine before me...and connecting with more souls than I have ever imagined!

Laughing with Soumya…
about nothing and everything…trying to be her fairy godmother, goblin and the big Bad wolf…and revelling in her vivacity of life !

Watching Oprah with my nth cup of tea, recapturing my essence, which I seem to have lost….

Hearing about Uday's day at work, after an exhausting love-making session …trying to imagine if I could fit into the corporate environment again!

Arranging that favourite pillow in comfortable position and just dreaming….

Reading, surfing and trying to understand how I have changed over the years …

Being that ‘ready-to-take-on-the-world Spitfire’ 

OR 

Lost in the labyrinth of ‘being a multitasking home maker'

Or 
Just happily being 

A nobody ....

The essence of taste!

Have you ever wondered how words can almost never capture the essence of "taste”? So many paeans have been written in favor of " the eloquent eyes" and "the lustrous hair", "the tongue" has sadly missed out on the ratings game!

Can you ever recreate the zing of पानीपूरी, which you tasted in your neighborhood thela as a child?

How would you appraise the lingering sweetness, the syrupy crispness of hot delicious जलेबी of the nukkad halwai, which transported you straight to the culinary heaven?

How would you measure the warmth you felt while sipping the कुल्ल्हर की chai with your dad while he explained 'what being a man meant’ on some obscure railway station, some many many years ago?

Can you ever forget the midnight forays into Maggi noodles, toast and black tea in your hostel room , which tasted nothing short of divine ambrosia at that ungodly hour…

The perfect chicken tandoori and the first bottle of rum you had in that roadside dhaba somewhere on the Delhi--Chandigarh highway which did more than quench your hunger and thirst!

The first burnt chappati of your wife cooked in frustration, but eaten with relish and all the emotions which would appear bland if expressed in words…

The taste of the first glass of निम्बू पानी which your seven year old daughter prepared for you...

Can you ever recapture the unparalleled uniqueness of what you have tasted, through trite words?

Tattered night-gown and the hole in the arm-pit !

Feel totally out of touch with the “SAAS-BAHU”sagas on television nowadays.

More than once have found myself to be the odd-man out among friends who vociferously defend the Tulsis and Parvatis and participate in their lives!

For one, do not have a saas, 
just a very understanding father-in-law...

Also just do not have the heart to sit and squirm in my tattered nightgown and 
watch the oh-so-noble-and-perfect kanjeevaram clad bahus.

Maybe I HAVE given up the pretence of being a “ NICE” girl

HELL, it’s more fun being ME

confused 
irritable
bitchy 
scattered 

and 

imperfect ….

the tattered nightgown with it’s hole under the armpit !

No Hurry ...

As I drove to drop Soumya to school I marveled at how the cars, buses had arranged themselves on the road.
Everyone seemed in a hurry to go somewhere
Everyone looked purposeful 
and ready to go somewhere, 
anywhere...
to do something…screaming , scurrying...honking !!

Uploaded from http://unsplash.com

… The driver honked impatiently. " Sahib, these sheep always come in the way and disrupt traffic." We were on our way to Rohtang pass near Manali, looking forward to a good vacation. A large flock of sheep in front of us sauntered haphazardly, absolutely in no hurry!

Everyone looked content just lazing, 
content in being nowhere
relaxed and unconcerned
There was no hurry ...

Pencil sharpenings

Uploaded from http://unsplash.com

As children, I remember how we used to sharpen our blunt HB Apsara pencils to needlelike points.

Layers of sharpenings would fall to reveal newer surfaces, sharper tips: every blunt point meant that another sharpening session was long overdue.

…Journey in life has been very similar.

 While the sharp points of accolades and triumphs have added joy to every moment, the greatest breakthroughs have come from the blunt ends, the frustrated moments of low self-esteem, from the so-called failures. 

Every closed door has lead to a window of opportunity in personal transformation. 

Every sharpening has revealed some resplendent part inside of me, a very important part that had been kept under wraps